Meditations of the Heart

New Blog

2007-08-05T18:25:00.000-07:00

The will be another one soon, but this is it for now...

The Lazy Chef

Update

2007-06-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

It's been a good four months since my last post and I doubt I've got anyone still visiting, but perhaps you've visited this mostly-dead blog out of sheer boredom.

So much has happened since February, including my engagement. Yes, that's right. I'm getting married on July 7th. After that, you can call me "Mrs. D".

I think this blog has served well, so I'm going to retire it and perhaps start a new one after I get past the wedding chaos. The link will show up on this blog.

Seek out Silence

2007-02-17T12:28:00.000-08:00

I cannot hear Your voice

For all the chaos that surrounds me.

Lord, I long to seek out silence

To hear You with such clarity.

Voices all around me

Try to dictate every thought,

Every action, every decision.

Silence! Silence! I beg.

Let me hear my God instead.

Quiet now, hush, be still

And let Spirit pervade my mind.

Let the silence of the stillness,

With the gravity of time,

Move me where You will.

Oh, but for a moment in utter solitude

To seek Thy face at last!

Stretch out Thy hand, O God,

And to it I'll hold fast.

Suddenly, so suddenly, the din –

It ceases now – all becomes silent,

And for a moment, all is clear.

Torn no more, neither left nor right,

But forward upon the Narrow.

I heed no more the tumult without,

But the Spirit Who breathes life

Into my very soul.

Stay, stay, but a little while longer,

Before venturing out once more.

For life is full of raging storms

And dictates strife and war.

Carey Nofziger

17 February 2007

"God Moves in a Mysterious Way"

2007-01-28T19:43:00.000-08:00

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

- William Cowper

James 1:17-25 (ESV)

2007-01-25T08:25:00.000-08:00

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures. Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

Make No Provision

2007-01-15T10:29:00.000-08:00

Put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts. (Romans 13:14)

Ah, the proverbial New Year's resolution to lose weight and 'get in shape' (whatever that means). I lost count how many times I tried that. My spirit was willing, but my flesh was weak... very weak. A year and a half ago, after being fed up with being overweight and really sick, I decided to do something about it. Make no provision for the flesh (Lord knows I had lots of it). And it doesn't just apply to my eating and exercising habits.

By nature, I am a very lazy slob. It comes along with being inherently laid-back. If I had my way, I'd sleep until noon, eat pizza, be horribly unorganized, perpetually late, and never exercise. That's my ugly sin nature, but Ephesians 4:22-24 commands me to put off my old self and to put on Christ. I have to make my flesh do what it doesn't want to do. I have to purposely and daily discipline myself. The more I do it, the easier it becomes.

Eating healthy has become an enjoyment as well as a necessity, since I discovered I can't eat half the foods in the food pyramid due to health reasons -- not too much of a problem (although I do occasionally slide into sin by eating pizza). It's amazing how many forms of food the soy bean can take on. (I would probably die if soy beans suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth.)

Working out is something else entirely. I used to loathe the idea of scraping my lazy derriere off the couch to just take a walk. But after months and months of disciplining myself, I not only enjoy jogging in the neighborhood or jumping on the treadmill, but I actually hate it when I don't work out. Now if only I could feel that way about push-ups and sit-ups...

Over the past eight months, I've also come to apply this discipline to my daily and weekly schedules and am able to accomplish much more. I've discovered that discipline is not just for athletes or OCD people like my mom. Not only does it improve the quality of my life (a lot of my health problems are gone along with 50 pounds), but it is also conforming me to the character of Christ. There are no fast and easy solutions, but slow and determined effort builds character.

"... You have put off the old man with his deeds, and have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him." (Colossians 3:9b-10)

Give Me a Servant, Give Me a King

2007-01-01T14:24:00.000-08:00

Don't try to sweep me
Off my of my feet.
Don't flaunt your resume
Or your good deeds.

I don't want James Bond
-- No debonair stud.
I don't want Prince Charming
On a dashing steed.

Give me a servant,
Give me a king.

I don't need love poems,
Nor roses so red.
Those things are nice,
But I want sacrifice instead.

No flow'ry words
-- No eloquent speeches --
To capture my heart
None of these are needed.

Give me a servant,
Give me a king.

Give me a leader
Who follows his God.
Give me a shepherd
With gentle rod.

Give me a lover
Whose constance fails not.
Give me a heart
Through which patience
is wrought.

Give me a servant,
Give me a king.

Carey Nofziger
01 January 2007

Delayed or Immediate Glory?

2006-12-31T13:12:00.000-08:00

If there is one female Biblical character I'd like to model my life after, it would have to be Ruth. I used to admire women more like Deborah or Priscilla because they were strong and outspoken leaders -- something I strove to be. Now I begin to realize that my former ambitions and plans for myself were very egotistical.

Ruth came from very lowly circumstances -- not only was she a foreigner, but she was also a widow. In every possible way she was an outsider and "didn't belong."
She was intimate with pain and sorrow.
Ruth was willing to forsake everything for the God of Israel. She spared nothing in her pursuit of God.
She was a selfless servant -- Ruth took the lowliest of labor to care for her mother-in-law.
Ruth was a hard worker -- she gave 110%.
Her reputation spoke for her -- she was known among the Jewish community as a virtuous woman.
She "married smart" -- even though Ruth probably could have had any handsome young man she wanted, she chose to marry a godly older man and was blessed through that union.
God blessed Ruth because of her obedience and willingness to serve Him.

I personally hadn't paid much attention to Ruth in the past. She immigrated to Israel with her mother-in-law, worked in a field, married a much older man, had a baby... big deal. Ruth didn't do any "glorious" things like assassinate a king (Jael), judge a nation and lead an army into battle (Deborah), nor did she have intellectual conversations with apostles and great teachers (Priscilla). She pretty much lived out her life in humble service. Emphasis is placed on her servant's heart more than anything. No gloriously exciting actions. No "big things."

Or so I thought. But the older I get, the more I realize that my life doesn't have to be filled with big, glorious deeds for God (or myself). He doesn't need my puny trophies. What He wants is for my heart to be fully surrendered to Him and His service. Better that my life be filled with delayed glory (like Ruth's) where my actions reap glory for God for generations to come, rather than immediate glory for myself. Do we ever hear of Deborah's descendants? No, but Ruth became the great-grandmother of King David and was thereby placed directly in Christ's lineage.
I think I'd rather have a life of humble service that has long-term effects.

~ from the pages of Carey's journal

The Canadian Chronicles, part 1

2006-12-28T13:18:00.000-08:00

My first solo international flight... I waited excitedly at my gate for my connecting flight to Chicago. Then it was off to Montreal!

Sarah and I had "met" online through blogging. We immediately hit it off through e-mailing and phone calls and before I knew it, her family extended an invitation to me to stay with them for a week. It took a little coaxing to convince my mom that it would be fine, and in May I purchased my airline tickets to Montreal for the first week of August. Little did I know that week would be life-altering.

01 August 2006

An excrutiatingly long lay-over in Chicago was spent eating Chinese food and people watching. I kept a list in my journal:

Hassidic Jews: 1
Orthodox Jews: 2
People with a limp: 8
Indian people: 3
Non-military people wearing camo: 8
People with wacky hair: 2

Five minutes before my flight was to leave, I discovered I was at the wrong gate (the flight was leaving for Nebraska). In a surge of panic, I called my mom to look online for my proper gate and then bolted towards my correct gate. Fortunately for me, a flight attendant went AWOL and delayed the flight half an hour while the airline acquired a replacement.

I got an entire row to myself and stretched across with a book my mother had given me: A Chance to Die by Elisabeth Elliot. As I read of Amy Carmichael's constant surrender to the Lord, I was convicted that there were areas in my life that I had not surrendered to the Lord. I wanted to live in a constant state of surrender like Amy did and asked the Lord for forgiveness. Right there, in mid-air, I surrendered everything -- all of my plans -- to the Lord. I wrote in my journal:

This is a turning point -- no returns, no regrets. This was my problem -- I was not living surrender. Now I think I shall begin to see the Lord work in mighty ways... and I want more than anything for Him to use me.

There is such a great difference between experiencing moments of surrender and actually living surrender itself. Just what that difference is, I have yet to discover, but I do not think my life will ever be the same after this moment. What changes will I see, I wonder?

Looking back, I can say: many changes. If only I had known what I was praying for!

I went through customs without any trouble (a rare event for me) and found my way to baggage claim. It took a while to find the right baggage claim, but once I did there was no trouble spotting my loud lime green luggage (I did that on purpose). I looked up at the signs for guidance to the exit. It was all in French.

Then the thought occurred to me for the first time: I am in a country I've never been to before where I can't speak their language, looking for people I've never met before and trusting they'll be here to pick me up to stay with them for an entire week. Am I crazy? I dismissed the thought and headed for the exit (best way to find the exit in a foreign country is to follow the crowds).

Music, Poetry, and Chocolate

2006-12-25T16:23:00.000-08:00

For Christmas this year, I asked my family members not to get me the usual practical things like clothing, but to donate money to my "guitar fund." Each donated enough to bestow me with 75% of the needed funds to get a guitar and sturdy case (for travelling). Included with my older brother's donation was a note that said: "The guitar stays in your room." In other words: "Don't you dare practice guitar in the living room and make me suffer, you little hippie." I laughed.

Mom, wanting to contribute something a little extra, presented me with chocolate (a sure-fire winner) and a book... but not just any book. It was a poetry book I've wanted before it was ever published or before anyone knew it was going to be published -- a beautiful leather-bound copy of Tommy Nelson's The Musings of an Evangelical Mind. Years ago, I had told Tommy that if he ever published his poetry, I wanted an autographed copy. It was finally published last year, but I couldn't afford to buy it. But now it sat in my lap. I opened it.

For Carey
Hope this gives you hours of blessing.
Tommy Nelson

I would have cried, but David stopped my sentimental gush with a glare.

Couldn't have asked for better presents: music, poetry, and chocolate (my three passions).

My Bridegroom

2006-12-23T13:29:00.000-08:00

My Lord, my Bridegroom,
Lover of my soul,
Only Thou canst love me,
And make me pure and whole.

I wait for Thee daily,
To return for me, Thy bride,
Preparing as I wait --
Trying not to waste the time.

Come quickly, my Beloved!
The time is drawing near.
I look not to the future
With trembling and fear.

Carey Nofziger
July 2003

Ever Only For Thee

2006-12-23T13:26:00.000-08:00

May my love always be
Ever only for my King.
May my passion, constant be,
For Thy glory and majesty.
May my heart, so fragile,
Belong to my Beloved --
Whose heart was pierced for me.
May my life be given freely
To Thee alone, for Thy use.
May my love forever be
Ever only all for Thee.

Carey Nofziger
27 June 2005

'Twas

2006-12-23T13:22:00.000-08:00

'Twas my sin that placed upon
His back those deepn'ing stripes.
'Twas my hatred that pressed upon
His head that crown of thorns.
'Twas my bitter words that spat
Upon His bruised face.
'Twas my hand that nailed His
Upon that wretched cross.
'Twas my selfishness
That drove Him Calv'ry-bound.
'Twas my wretched, sinful heart
That piecered His with a spear.
'Twas His love that washed away
My grievances towrd Him.
'Twas His grace that set me free
To draw me close to Him.

Carey Nofziger
11 April 2005

"Quiet Pool"

2006-12-23T12:25:00.000-08:00

Lo, I say to thee, Wait upon ME.
Let thy life be as a deep, quiet pool.
Yea, let thine heart rest in Mine hand as a bird in a nest.
Let thine eyes be still. Let thine hands be free.
For then shall I fill all thy vision,
and then shall I take thine hands into Mine
and My power shall flow forth unto thee.

Only make unto thyself a place apart;
yea, a place removed from the press and turmoil,
and there I will meet thee. Yea I wait thy coming.
For I long to pour out my blessings upon thee,
and I long to give thee of My fulness.
Only be thou still before Me.
Let not the toils and cares of the day
rob thee of this sweet fellowship with Me.

For I know what things ye have need of, and I am
concerned about thine every duty and responsibility.
But thou wilt find thy cares have vanished
and thy load lightened as by an unseen hand.
For I will that ye bring Me thy love,
I shall in turn bring to thee My power,
so that I work for thee in a two-fold measure.

For I give unto thee the power to discharge thy duties with greater efficiency, and I also am actively engaged in working for thee in ways thou canst not see, to make thy path clear, and to bring about things which thou thyself couldst never accomplish, and which would otherwise absorb thine energies and wear out thy patience.

So I say unto thee again... Rest in Me. Wait upon Me. Come apart with Me. Seek My face. Seek My fellowship.

-----------------------------------

O Lord, what a shame that Thou shouldst need to beg us thus! Sooner might others seek to find us available and be unable because of our occupation with Thee, rather than this -- that we are so slow to come, so dull to hear, so cold of heart, so indolent of soul.

O God, spare us Thy wrath!
Let not Thine anger be kindled against us.
Let us ask but one thing more, and turn not away.

Grant us this one prayer more, O Lord, even that Thou wouldst give to us all that is lacking in us; that Thou wilt make our wills to will; that Thou wilt intensify our hunger and fire our devotion, and take the indifference from our spirits, and have Thy wonderful way and perfect will, O God, we pray.

~ From Come Away My Beloved by Frances J. Roberts

New installment...

2006-12-22T20:59:00.000-08:00

A new installment has finally been added to "Wings of the Wind"...

http://wings-of-the-wind.blogspot.com/2006/11/into-depths-of-darkness.html

"Deliverance"

2006-12-22T16:45:00.000-08:00

When will this end?
Where do I start?
I am frightened by
The darkness of my heart.
So easily I slip
Into this death grip.
One moment away from You
Seems like an eternity;
Forever craving Your presence
And longing for Your glory.
I want out of this hole
To bask once more in Your light.
Pull me out of this Despair --
This pit of dark'ning gloom.
I want to see the Sun
And no longer hail the moon.
Oh, for a glimpse of Light!
No more darkness, no more night.
I grow weak outside Your grace;
Give this sin no more place
In my ever-wandering heart.
Lord, deliver me from the Dark.

Carey Nofziger
18 December 2006

"The Darkness of Noise"

2006-12-22T16:40:00.000-08:00

The racket of my life
Is drowning out Your voice;
I want to silence it,
But do I have a choice?
I feel myself slipping
Further from Your grace.
So badly... so badly
I long to seek Your face.
The darkness of the Noise
Closes around my soul.
I know I'm not complete;
Without You I'm not whole.
Lord, I beg for Your forgiveness --
Once again, I pray,
Don't leave me in this darkness;
God, I ask You to stay.
I don't understand
Why I cannot see Your hand,
But reveal Yourself to me;
Open my eyes so I can see
Your glorious face
In the light of eternity.

Carey Nofziger
18 December 2006

"Shades of Gray"

2006-12-22T11:34:00.000-08:00

I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked. (Revelation 3:15-17)So much I see around me,

Painted in shades of gray;
No one knows their purpose,
No one knows the Way.
Pursuing empty dreams,
Expressing empty thoughts;
It's only an illusion -
A facade that was wrought.

Carey Nofziger
21 December 2006

Abundance and Need

2006-12-16T19:26:00.000-08:00

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13)

Christmas is my favorite time of year. Not because of the decorations and the over-abundance of sugar (which I can't eat anyway). Not because of the cold weather and caroling (although I do like both). Not even because of the tree and the gifts. For me, Christmas is when God's hand is most evidently seen providing in my life... especially this year.

This year the Lord saw it fit to strip me financially (not that finances aren't tight all the time anyway). Most would say that's rough, but I am excited to see how the Lord will provide. All my life, I've seen His hand provide for my family and I have no doubt He will do so again.

My dad called the other day to inform me that my parents' mini-van was on the fritz (yet again). They needed to borrow money to repair it before something exploded. It took most of my savings to cover the costs, but I was just glad we could get it fixed before the van went BOOM. There was just one little problem. The money in savings was for Christmas presents.

"Mom, no rush... but when do you think you'd be able to pay me back? That was Christmas money."

"Umm... January."

"Oh... okay. Well... Merry Christmas! Your van is fixed!"

That leaves very little for parents, siblings, grandmas, nieces, and friends (but maybe I could give them all I.O.U. notes for January). Not a problem, because I know my Heavenly Father will abundantly provide as He always does.

How to Be Thankful?

2006-11-24T09:42:00.000-08:00

Just before our extended family arrived for Thanksgiving, I sat down to check my e-mail. An article title on the Yahoo! homepage caught my eye: "How to Be Thankful." I was a little stunned. Is our materialistic culture so far gone that we need internet articles to teach us how to be thankful? How tragic.

Then I began thinking (as always). From a secular person's perspective, what does Thanksgiving mean? To be thankful, you have to be thankful towards someone for giving you something (hence Thanks-giving). In my family, we express our thanks to God for His bountiful blessings on us. It is a time to celebrate God's goodness with our loved ones. But what about the secular perspective? Is Thanksgiving merely a time to stuff your face and be annoyed by relatives? How empty.

After my family finished eating, we went around the table and shared what we were most thankful for. Dad was thankful for getting a new job and being able to go back to school. Jer was thankful for spiritual growth. Mom was thankful for all of us. Then it came to me.

"Carey, what are you thankful for?"

"Well..." I paused and looked around. "I'm very thankful for the trial the Lord gave me over the past eight months and the growth that it brought. I wouldn't change a thing." That warranted stares from my mom and Aunt Sylvia ("Tía Sylvia" from Guatemala).

This past year has been difficult with a lot of changes taking place in my life, but I honestly wouldn't change a thing the Lord has done. Some things happen that leave you wondering Why? What was the purpose of this? But my Father is good and knows what is best for me. If nothing else, it was to bring about a change in me for the better. It was to draw me closer to my Beloved and to make me stronger. That is a good enough reason for me.

So how is one to be thankful? Perhaps Job said it best:

The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. (Job 1:21)

>>"To Say Thanks" by Nichole Nordeman<<

For Whom the Bell Tolls

2006-11-20T13:37:00.000-08:00

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." (John Donne, 1624)

Death causes me to wax philosophical -- I take it very seriously. There has been a lot of death within my life's arena lately. The latest death was that of a baby. A couple from our church lost their baby girl just hours after her birth. Mom and I attended the funeral early Saturday morning. That was the first funeral I had ever been to for a child. It bears more sadness because one mourns the passing of an unfinished life. You wonder about all the possibilities that never came to her life -- a flash of only a few hours before leaving this earth behind.

Short though her life was, little Abigail had an impact that many never will have within the span of 80 years. Her parents' testimony through her birth and death touched the lives of many people. She was a precious treasure to them. Though she lay in the tiny pink coffin, she was resting in her heavenly Father's arms.

"O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?" (1 Corinthians 15:55)

Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou are not so.
For, those, whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poor death, nor yet canst thou kill me;
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure, then, from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy, or charms can make us sleep as well,
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more. Death thou shalt die.

- John Donne

Am I effectively using the years that God has given me for His glory? What kind of legacy will I leave behind?

Follow Me

2006-11-16T17:27:00.000-08:00

Peter, seeing him, said to Jesus, "But Lord, what about this man?" Jesus said to him, "If I will that he remain till I come, what is that to you? You follow Me." (John 21:21-22)

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." (Matthew 16:24-25)

He who loves his life will lose it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also. If anyone serves Me, him My Father will honor. (John 16:25-26)

Remembering Dumpling

2006-11-09T11:24:00.000-08:00

I made myself pick up the phone and call the vet's office, half-hoping no one would answer.

"Veterinary Hospital, this is Chris speaking." Darn. I don't want to do this.

"Yeah, Chris, I need to make an appointment..." I felt like I had just sealed the death warrant for my rabbit... my darling little bunny... my old pal. She had been sick for so long and nothing worked. I didn't want her to suffer any longer.

Dumpling snuggled her way into my heart nearly five years ago when she was a tiny baby of two weeks. It was love at first sight. There were (literally) hundreds of other new baby rabbits at the farm. A small brown puff -- the runt of a "mutt" litter -- caught my eye.

"Can I hold that one?" The tiny two-week-old cotton puff snuggled into the palm of my hand, licked my finger, and fell asleep.

---------------------------------------------------

Jer wrapped Dumpling in a towel and held her while I drove to the vet. Last time I tried to put her to sleep, my car broke down. I half-hoped it would break down again (but that would most likely cost more). I signed papers to have Dumpling euthanized before joining her and Jer in an examination room.

One of the vet's assistants came in. "Would you like a moment before I call Dr. Norwood in?" I shook my head. No sense in drawing this out. Dr. Norwood came in and explained the procedure. He gathered her in his arms and took her to the operating room. I didn't want to watch. Jer and I kissed her goodbye.

We sat in the waiting room. I didn't cry, just stared into space.

"Are you okay?" This seems to be a frequent question my little brother asks me. I said nothing, but gave him a look that said, What do you think? Of course not.

Dr. Norwood came out a few minutes later holding a box. He offered his condolences. I solemnly nodded my head in thanks. We got home and went to the backyard where Jer had begun a hole. He grabbed the shovel and began to finish the digging.

"You could just take her out of the box so you don't have to dig anymore," I offered, seeing how much trouble Jer had with the hard clay soil. He hesitantly agreed, but I immediately regretted my suggestion. My rabbit lay lifeless in a hole. I couldn't handle the sight.

"No! No! Nevermind..." I choked. "Please put her back in the box." I had promised myself that I wouldn't cry, but it was a combination of things from the past six months. My dead rabbit was just the icing on the cake.

A righteous man regards the life of his animal... (Proverbs 12:10a)

Wings of the Wind

2006-11-09T10:46:00.000-08:00

I decided to start posting snippets from a book I've kept in my head for a long time.

http://wings-of-the-wind.blogspot.com

Here Am I, Send Me!

2006-11-08T10:45:00.000-08:00

http://chroniclesofamissionary.blogspot.com/

"Let Go"

2006-11-03T01:04:00.000-08:00

Went back the other day and found 80+ songs I'd written. One of these days I'd like to make an album (maybe after I get a guitar and can play it well enough). Here's the most recent. I've been working on the piano piece for it in my head.

(verse 1)
Hanging on the edge
Holdin' on for dear life
I thought that this could work
Seemed so right at the time

(verse 2)
All my wishful thinking
Led me to the end
...of my rope... of my reason.
But then I heard a voice:

(chorus)
“Let go, let go --
My child, let go.
What lies ahead
You do not know,
But take My hand.
My child, let go
Though you cannot see.
Release your dreams.
Let go – hold on to Me.”

(verse 3)
Oh, where did I go wrong?
I was dreaming for so long.
Now I'm awake and see
Just how foolish I can be.

(verse 4)
I refused to release
When I know that I should have.
You had to pry my hands
From the death-grip I was in.

“Let go, let go --
My child, let go.
What lies ahead
You do not know,
But take My hand.
My child, let go
Though you cannot see.
Release your dreams.
Let go – hold on to Me.”

lyrics by Carey Nofziger
02 November 2006

A Symbol of Commitment

2006-11-02T10:30:00.000-08:00

Mama got Jer and I 'purity rings' for our birthdays this year. I just got mine this Tuesday. It reads: I am my beloved's -- my beloved is mine.

For the past couple of days, I've been showing off my ring to friends. No, don't look at the scar tissue -- No, I'm not engaged.

"So what does that ring mean to you?" my friend Beth asked.

That got me to thinking. A ring on that finger does mean something. Lots of people call them 'purity rings,' but I consider that term trite. For me, it's more than just a symbol of saving sex for marriage. I chose this particular ring for a reason. The inscription means a lot to me.

I am my beloved's... my beloved is mine. The original meaning was meant for a future spouse, but that's not what it means for me. The name "Beloved" is reserved only for my Lord Jesus. Not even my husband gets that name. My ring is a symbol and a reminder that Jesus Christ will always have first place in my heart. I am His, and He is mine. Everyone else comes second.

It is not just a purity ring... it is not just a promise ring... it is a symbol of a lifetime of commitment to Christ. Matthew 6:33 tells us to "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." The context speaks of physical needs, but I also think that when we seek Christ first, everything else falls into place beautifully. Because I love Christ and want to please Him I want to keep myself physically and spiritually pure.

And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)

What's the point?

2006-11-01T05:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning my family received news that Jeremy's former Scoutmaster passed away on Sunday. We have reason to believe that he took his own life. Everyone was stunned. He knew the Lord, but had been in a deep depression for the past five years. I feel so bad for his family. His oldest is a year younger than me, and the youngest is only eight years old. Eight years old. I can't even begin to imagine. That left me very pensive for the rest of the day.

Adam invited me to a party that a lot of the college kids from our church group were going to last night. Unlike most college Halloween parties, it was very innocent with only Dr. Pepper to drink and brownies to inhale, Uno to be played, and pumpkin-carving contests. I'm not much for dressing up in some costume, so I wore a Chinese blouse I bought in Montreal's China Town.

The party was okay, but I felt I could have better used my time. I don't know how to describe the irony, I guess, but as I stood around with cup in hand and smile pasted on my face, I thought, What am I doing here? Watching the other college students bum around and act silly, I felt so out of place (which is how I generally feel with most people my age). I wished I had organized a prayer group instead of going to a party.

It all just seemed so empty and fake to me. In light of eternity, what was the point? Maybe I'm too serious and philosophical for someone my age. Maybe I think too much... but maybe, in the end, I am better off.

Better to go to the house of mourning
Than to go to the house of feasting,
For that is the end of all men;
And the living will take it to heart.
Sorrow is better than laughter,
For by a sad countenance the heart is made better.
The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning,
But the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.
(Ecclesiastes 7:2-4)

Escaping Mediocrity

2006-10-28T13:41:00.000-07:00

I would have posted this yesterday but my left hand was too swollen to type -- boiling liquid exploded on my hand and now two of my fingers are purple-ish and numb. But all is well.

----------From the pages of Carey's Journal----------

Do you not know that in a race all the runners compete, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified. (1 Corinthians 9:24-27)

Mediocrity is something I detest with a passion. I am constantly surrounded by it and trying to avoid it. The college culture is laden with hedonism and Christians have not escaped -- we have merely tailored hedonism to suit our morality so that we feel better about ourselves. It is so easy to settle into the mindset of those around you -- whether they are Christians or not.

No one dares to venture beyond their comfort zone. No one dares to step outside the bounds of conventional "Churchianity." Where is the hunger? Where is the thirst? Where is the zeal? Why can we not be only satisfied with Christ, yet never be satisfied with enough of Him? He leaves you hungering for more of Himself with a passionate, intense "soul-fire." Why do we pursue fleeting desires that have no ultimate value?

After Axcess last Tuesday night, I pulled out a book I'd been waiting to show some friends of mine. I really wanted to get together a group to study and discuss Joshua Harris' Sex is not the Problem (Lust is). The book is challenging and convicting -- a topic that many "good Christians" skirt around. My friend glanced at the cover then looked at me with a questioning look. She briefly flipped through the pages.

"Oh my goodness!" She blushed and put the book on the table. "That's just a little too awkward. I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about stuff like that."

"Well," I sighed, "what about I Kissed Dating Goodbye?"

"There's no way I'm doing that one," chimed in another friend. I rolled my eyes and groaned in frustration.

"Seriously, this is something we all need to know," I reasoned.

"Look, you can be a nun if you want to, Carey, but no one else is joining you."

It's amazing how one can be surrounded by people all the time and still be lonely. Maybe it's just me, but I find a lack of like-minded "edgy" people. No one wants to pursue the Lord with reckless abandon. No one wants an intense relationship with Christ. No one wants to address the "awkward" issues that hinder us from running after Him. Instead, they prefer to avoid confrontation and discomfort at all costs. Most prefer mediocre Churchianity to high-octane Christianity.

I am reminded of a piece of dialogue from The Fellowship of the Ring. Frodo tries to rid himself of his burden by offering the Ring to Galadriel...

Frodo: I cannot do this alone.
Galadriel: You are a Ring-bearer, Frodo. To be a Ring-bearer is to be alone.

Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few. (Matthew 7:13-14)

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

As Christians we must not meander down a smooth path, but run with all that is in us toward our Goal -- Christ. Run with passion and zeal. To live is Christ -- and we're only given one life.

...it is appointed for men to die once, but after this the judgment... (Hebrews 9:27)

What kind of life will I give an account for at the Judgement Seat of Christ? Do I wish to lay the pebbles of a sorry life at His feet? Absolutely not!

Four Steps of Repentance

2006-10-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

Read 1 Samuel 12

1) Discover what sin(s) you have committed through:
* the Spirit speaking through the Word
- be consistent in reading/studying the Word
- make it a goal to consistently pray for the Lord
to reveal specific sins
* other people
- surround yourself with strong Christians who
aren't afraid to confront you
- keep yourself accountable

2) Confess the specific sin(s)
* Come clean with your sin so God's grace can move
you forward into repentance.
* Psalm 51

3) Receive forgiveness and joy from God
* Psalm 32

4) Turn away from the sin(s) -- change directions
* Don't just be sorry -- sorrow isn't enough
* Not just improvement of behavior (Luke 3:8)
* Not just changing direction and behavior, but
have a changed mind (Romans 12:2)

As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. For see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment! At every point you have proved yourselves innocent in the matter. (2 Corinthians 7:9-11)

To be selfish, or not to be selfish -- that is the question

2006-10-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

It had been a long day working at MOMs from 8 AM to 3:30 PM. Mom had taken off half an hour before to babysit again at church for an evening social. I had just finished getting ready for Axcess (the highlight of my week) and was walking out the door when my cell phone rang. It was Mom. They were under-staffed (yet again) and she wanted to know if I could come help. Work again after a long day? Miss the highlight of my week? I bit my lip.

"... Sure."

"Well, we could probably manage," Mom said, hearing the hesitation in my voice. "It's your choice, sweetie."

Not really. It would be horribly selfish of me to abandon them, but I so badly wanted to go to Axcess. I struggled as I drove, but finally came to the decision that the right thing to do was put aside my plans and help out. Before I could even pick up my phone, Mom called again and said they rearranged the staff and they'd be fine. I could go to Axcess after all. Funny how the Lord works that way -- you have to come to a place of abandonment before He can truly bless you.

Last night's lesson at Axcess? Repentance. Ouch. The Lord knew I really needed that. Really good lesson -- I'll put the notes in a separate post.

Perverse Minds, Pizza Chicken, and Protestant Nuns

2006-10-23T16:22:00.000-07:00

Funny how I can sit down by myself at a table in the commons room and be surrounded by six or more people within a few minutes. A History exam loomed in the near future, so I curled up in a chair to study. Within 30 minutes, Danielle, Kami, Chase, Daniel, and Michael sat at the table with me. Whoever had food donated to the Communal Lunch. The three guys (a.k.a. The Perverse Minds) sat across from me laughing at something (I know not what).

"Sorry," Chase laughed. "I get perverse when I'm tired."

"You must be tired all the time," I commented from behind my History book.

"Ouch!" Chase winced.

"How come you never react like that when I'm mean to you?" Danielle asked.

"Because when you're mean, it's just like 'Oh, it's only Danielle.' When she's mean it hurts."

"Sorry, Chase," I apologized. "I grew up with an older brother who made me learn to react with quick come-backs because of his dry humor. But that's no excuse. Forgive me?"

"Sure." Twisted as his mind may be, Chase is very sweet and forgiving... or crazy. How many guys keep asking a girl out after she has bitten his head off?

Last class period was the delightful little History mid-term exam. Half of the exam required a full-blown hand-written essay on the events leading up to World War 1 and the United States' involvement. Russia declared war on Austria-Hungary -- Germany declared war on France -- Britain declared war on Germany -- Italy left the Triple Alliance and was replaced by the Ottoman Empire which was comprised of modern-day Turkey, Syria, Iran, and Iraq -- Germany had the most casualties -- What was the significance of the Treaty of Versailles? Yadda yadda. I left the classroom with a headache.

My "sister"Amanda was on my mind all day, so I called her up after class and asked her if there was some way I could help around the house (she's expecting baby #4).

"Oh yes, please come! I'm about ready to strangle my children. It's been one of those days."

"Oh my, I'd better come and save the kids!" I laughed.

Without fail, I'm always greeted by a chorus of little voices as soon as I pull into the driveway: "Carey! Carey!" Three little girls and Dixie the dog run up to my car door. Though I missed laundry-folding, I made it just in time to help ice/eat pumpkin cookies and drink Diet Dr. Pepper (sweet nectar of life) that Amanda had bought for me.

"Know what you're having for dinner?" I asked from beside an icing-covered three-year-old.

"Something with chicken... have any suggestions?"

I rummaged around in her pantry. Tomato paste... oregano... garlic seasoning salt... bread crumbs...

"Got any potatoes?"

"Yeah, right here."

I rolled up my sleeves. Dinner would be "Pizza Chicken" (the girls liked the sound of that), garlic scalloped potatoes, and corn-on-the-cob. I concocted a sauce for the chicken, Amanda sliced potatoes, Nivelle (age 5) and Erin (age 3) were put to work sprinkling cheese, and Aleeza (20 months) got into everything.

Dinner was just about done when I scampered back home to eat a hamloaf my grandma made and see Mom off before she left to babysit my other "niece" Emma. Erin and Nivelle each grabbed a leg and pleaded with me not to leave.

"Can you pleeeeease stay and eat dinner with us? Can you spend the night sometime?" I love being Aunt Carey.

It's funny when I think about it, but I told my mom once as a very serious thirteen-year-old that I'd be a spinster aunt and spoil all my friends' children. I laughingly reminded her of this prophecy the other day. Indeed, I am Aunt Carey to my friends' children. However, I prefer the term "Protestant nun (until further notice)" as opposed to "spinster."

*photo: Aleeza (L) and Erin (R) coloring before dinner

No, you lead

2006-10-21T10:43:00.000-07:00

Two boys from Jer's old Boy Scout troop came to swing last night. There is nothing more funny to see than two highschool boys learning to dance (neither had ever danced before). I taught both of them the Jitterbug and attempted the Charleston. One of the boys, Ben, is a total sweetheart but he has no sisters (and I don't think he's ever physically handled a girl). We worked on gentility.

"Remember, be gentle with me. You have to be gentle with girls," I reminded my six-foot dancing partner (who has the build of a football player). "I'm a petite 5'0", so you can't just sling me across the dancefloor."

Mike, the other boy, dances much like Jer started off -- like a statue. We worked on flexibility and fluid movement. Both boys picked up pretty quickly on the dance steps, but I had a hard time getting them to lead. That's one of the reasons I don't like teaching guys how to dance. They get intimidated and prefer to let me lead, but I purposely have to make them take the leadership.

"Okay, so what do you want to do?" I asked Mike.

"I don't know. You lead."

"No, you're the guy. You are supposed to take leadership, Boy Scout. Don't get me started."

It's not that I wouldn't love to take over, but I have to make conscious efforts to make guys lead. Not just in dancing, but in everything else. I "train" my guy friends (especially the ones without sisters) by purposely stepping back and making them lead.

My friend Adam (who also has no sisters) and I walked into church. Out of habit, I opened the door for him. He thanked me, but then I stopped him.

"Whoah, whoah... come back here. Let's do this over again." I made him come back outside and open the door for me.

"There we go. Let's make a habit of this -- you'll thank me someday." Now he always opens the door for me.

Guys seriously need a sister or sister-figure in their lives. My younger brother, Jeremy, is much better prepared because he's had me to practice with -- holding doors open, fetching tissues and dealing with female emotions, shopping with me, etc. I've taken several guy friends under my wing as their "adopted sister" so they can learn how to properly treat a girl. I don't mind being a learning experience (I've already served as a guinea pig for my mom).

Lessons

2006-10-19T10:54:00.000-07:00

Here are some of the lessons from my church's weekly college ministry meetings. Listen to some of them when you get the chance.

College Life: Axcess: 2005-2006

College Life: Axcess: 2006-2007

Writer's Block = Dead Blog

2006-10-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

"I'm afraid just about every blog on the web is boring. This one, of course, isn't, but then it isn't a blog. People take some inane event in their life and wax catty to make it sound interesting. It's not, believe me. It's not your fault your life is boring - wait - it probably is, nevermind." - Ebumpkin

I read this and thought, Oh man... how many people have I bored to death? That is partially why I haven't posted in so long (and consequently why my blog is dying). But that's okay -- there's more to life. Hmm... dead blog... that sounds rather nasty, like some slimy dead animal on the side of the road. Oh look, it's a dead blog.

Constructive Posting

2006-10-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

Just to let you all know (in case you haven't figured it out already): the reason for my sparse posting is due to a very full schedule. I want to concentrate a little more on my studies and am getting more involved in ministry, so my plate is quite full with just those two things (not to mention work and everything else). I didn't fall off the earth, I've just better prioritized my life.

Beginning next semester, I'm hoping to start a Bible study group for college ladies. We will be known as the SWAP Team (Singles With A Purpose). Plans are still formulating, curriculum being searched, and much prayer invested, but I am thrilled beyond words at the prospect of teaching a young women's Bible study. I'm praying that the Lord will see things through (if it's His will) and work in me.

There are many things in my life that need working on, but I am spending this time to learn so that I in turn can share my findings with other college women. I get no greater joy or satisfaction than when I'm expounding the Word and encouraging other women in their faith. That's all I want to do (if you can't already tell from many of my posts).

From now on, posting will be less frequent (some days I don't even get to my computer), but it will be more edifying and constructive. A verse I read this morning in Ecclesiastes 5 really convicted me...

Do not be rash with your mouth, and let not your heart
utter anything hastily before God. For God is in heaven, and you on earth; therefore let your words be few. (Eccl. 5:2)

Ephesians 4:29 states...

Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good
for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.

I want my writings to be good for necessary edification and impart grace to my readers.

Constructive Comments

2006-10-09T18:02:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been more on top of this blog lately. I've hardly been at the computer all week (needed a break from technology).

No more nasty comments! I just read my blog for the first time in three days and found some disturbing comments from our hateful Anonymous. I've taken care of that problem by editing the comment settings on my blog. A little more effort on my part to screen comments, but I want this blog to glorify the Lord and will not tolerate any more filth dropped on it.

In my Bible reading this morning...

2006-10-06T05:48:00.000-07:00

Isaiah is one of my favorite Old Testament books. This morning I was reading in chapters 25 & 26. Here are some verses that meant a lot to me...

O LORD, You are my God.
I will exalt You,
I will praise Your name,
For You have done wonderful things;
Your counsels of old are faithfulness and truth.

And it will be said in that day:
"Behold, this is our God;
We have waited for Him, and He will save us.
This is the LORD;
We have waited for Him;
We will be glad and rejoice in His salvation."
(Isaiah 25:1,9)

You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You.
Trust in the LORD forever,
For in YAH, the LORD, is everlasting strength.

With my soul I have desired You in the night,
Yes, by my spirit within me I will seek You early;
For when Your judgments are in the earth,
The inhabitants of the world will learn righteousness.
(Isaiah 26:3-4,9)

"Come Away, My Beloved"

2006-10-04T08:10:00.001-07:00

O My beloved, ye do not need to make your path (like a snow plow), for lo, I say unto thee, I go before you. Yea, I shall engineer circumstances on thy behalf. I am thy husband, and I will protect thee and care for thee, and make full provision for thee.

I know thy need, and I am concerned for thee: for thy peace, for thy health, for thy strength. I cannot use a tired body, and ye need to take time to renew thine energies, both spiritual and physical. I am the God of Battle, but I am also the One who said: They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. And Jesus said, Come ye apart and rest a little while.

I will teach you, even as I taught Moses on the back side of the desert, and as I taught Paul in Arabia. So will I teach you. Thus it shall be a constructive period, and not in any sense wasted time. But as the summer course to the school teacher, it is vital to thee in order that ye be fully qualified for your ministry.

There is no virtue in activity as such -- neither in inactivity. I minister to thee in solitude that ye may minister of Me to others as a spontaneous overflow of our communion. Never labor to serve, nor force opportunities. Set thy heart to be at peace and to sit at My feet. Learn to be ready, but not to be anxious. Learn to say 'no' to the demands of men and to say 'yes' to the call of the Spirit. These may sometimes be at variance. Be not distressed by the misunderstanding of people. Let Me take care of them Myself. They too must learn this same important lesson, and thou canst help them by setting the example; but if ye try to please them by answering every demand, ye shall both fall into the same snare.

I am a jealous God, and I am always at peace with Myself. I would have you to be likewise at peace with My Spirit within thee. As ye give Me My rightful place and do not allow others to intrude, ye shall be at peace with Me. Be very serious in this. I am not speaking to thee lightly. I was never more in earnest in any message that I have brought to you. Do not fail Me. I have brought you this message at various times in the past. It was never more urgent than now.

For man is experiencing a new awakening, and he is searching for My Truth more than ever, and I must speak through My prophets; and if they be not separated unto Me, how can I instruct them? Yea, I shall nourish thee by the brook as I nourished Elijah; and I shall speak to thee out of the bush as I spoke to Moses, and reveal My glory on the hillside as I did to the shepherds.

Come away, My beloved, and be as the doe upon the mountains; yea, we shall go down together to the gardens.

~ From Come Away, My Beloved by Frances J. Roberts

Outreach Sunday

2006-10-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

My church partnered with two other small churches yesterday for Outreach Sunday. (The first Sunday of every month we go out and do evangelism.) We're all smaller churches that branched off from Denton Bible -- Lifeline Bible Fellowship, my church, is predominately African-American; Denton Community Church, predominately Caucasian; and Nuevo Templo, a Hispanic church.

After a worship service together, we mixed everyone and divided into five teams, taking different neighborhoods in our city to do tract-passing and door-to-door evangelism. It was awesome! Walking up to a complete stranger's house and knocking on their door sounds intimidating to most people. Walking up to a complete stranger's house, knocking on their door, and then asking them if they have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ sounds even more intimidating!

My group was comprised of two other women and a guy. Even though we only spoke with four people out of ten houses, we planted some seed. One lady we spoke with was actually a member of Denton Bible. We had a nice visit and got to pray for her kids, who are my age and not walking with the Lord.

Another guy who answered the door said, "Oh, I'm Baptist."

"All right, well, is there anything we can pray about for you?" Chris (the guy in our group) asked.

"No, I go to a Baptist church," and with that he shut the door. We all looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. Texan Baptists can be weird around non-denominational folks like us. (We have no label, so they don't know what to do with us.)

After the door-to-door evangelism, we all met back at the Sumrall Center (a DBC building where Lifeline is held) for food and fellowship. I didn't get to stay long, because I had to go up to the main DBC building to do childcare for the evening service, but I thought it was so awesome to see such an ethnically diverse fellowship of Christians laughing and eating together.

"Are you with the plane?"

2006-09-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

For his birthday present, I took Jer to the Thunderbirds air show held at Alliance Airport in Forth Worth. We were there the majority of today -- 8:30 AM to 6:00 PM -- returning home roasted alive and partially deaf from the engine roar.

Though we both enjoyed ourselves immensely, I think I may have had more fun than Jer. We got to climb into several different USAF aircraft and a Hercules used by the Marines. It was "totally sweet."

While waiting for Jer to return from the car with our ear-plugs, I stood next to a C-130 Hercules used by the USAF. A guy walked up to me and asked,

"Are you with the plane?"

Yeah, we've been together about six months. "Umm... no." I gave him a questioning look.

"Oh, I thought... you were a military person, like with the Air Force."

"Nope." Just because I wear camouflage and sunglasses and stand around an airplane looking very serious?

I told Jer about the incident when he returned. He just laughed. Well, my little troops at summer camp named me "Sarge" because I exacted strict discipline and shouted (had the same effect as General MacArthur after breathing in helium -- not very intimidating).

Our morning was spent taking photos, climbing in various aircraft, and watching air-acrobatics performed by "civies" (civilians). Lunch was meager because my cash was very limited. The Thunderbirds weren't scheduled to perform until 3 PM, so we took a nap under a Boeing 737. (Yes, I can sleep on a tarmac under an airplane.)

By the time the Thunderbirds began their performance, Jer and I were thoroughly roasted and dehydrated. He wanted to go home and eat, but I refused to leave. I was going to watch the Thunderbirds even if I dropped dead of a heat stroke. The performance was breath-taking and made me get all excited like a little kid. Definitely worth a heat stroke and two hours of after-show traffic.

The Lord's Mercy

2006-09-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

22 Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
24 "The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"Therefore I hope in Him!"
25 The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the soul who seeks Him.
26 It is good that one should hope and wait quietly
For the salvation of the LORD.
27 It is good for a man to bear
The yoke in his youth.
28 Let him sit alone and keep silent,
Because God has laid it on him;
29 Let him put his mouth in the dust --
There may yet be hope.
30 Let him give his cheek to the one who strikes him,
And be full of reproach.
31 For the Lord will not cast off forever.
32 Though He causes grief,
Yet He will show compassion
According to the multitude of His mercies.
33 For He does not afflict willingly,
Nor grieve the children of men.
(Lamentations 3:22-33)

This morning the Lord burdened me to pray for an acquaintance I have not seen in years (since my freshman year of high school). I had recently heard news that she was pregnant (out of wedlock) and living with her parents again. The news grieved me, but sadly enough, did not surprise me. As I prayed for her, I began thinking of other high school friends and acquaintances that had given away their virginity (and most of them got pregnant as a result).

None of them lead really great lives now. One had a shot-gun wedding and was disowned by her family. She originally had plans to be a missionary, but now lives in obscurity with her husband (many years her senior) and has baby #2 on the way. I haven't heard from her since we graduated from high school. Another isn't pregnant (probably will be), but she leads a very sad life with cigarettes and alcohol as constant companions.

It grieves me no end to think about these young women who had so much potential and threw it all to the wind by compromising their purity. Every time I think of them, I feel as though someone has kicked me in the stomach. Piece by piece, they gave themselves away.

What is so humbling is that could have been me, but the Lord has been faithful to hedge me in and protect me -- simply because He wishes to use me for His glory (1 Corinthians 15:10, Ephesians 2:8-9). The thought brought me to tears this morning as I marveled at God's goodness. Every step of my journey I have seen His hand guiding me, but it can also be a lonely road.

Last week, Danielle and I were having one of our many discussions that lead to dating, guy/girl relationships, and personal purity.

"I'm saving my first kiss for the altar," I said. Danielle's jaw dropped to the floor.

"Whoa... how... what... I could never do that," Danielle stuttered as she tried to regain her composure. She was utterly flabbergasted and stared at me with the deer-in-the-headlights look as we walked down the hall to our different classes.

"I know it sounds old-fashioned and Puritanical, but I really want to save that first kiss for my husband on our wedding day," I explained. Danielle continued to stare.

"That's kind of sad that we think it such a novel idea," said Daniel, her boyfriend.

"That takes a lot of self-control," said Danielle.

"Yeah," I sighed. Truth be told, I don't have the self-control. If I tried by my own will-power, I would miserably fail, but I pray daily that the Lord would guard my eyes, my heart, my mind, my lips -- everything. I don't have self-control, I have God-control and a passionate commitment to my future husband. I want to be faithful to him before we're ever married.

Purity is not something you gain by becoming a nun (or a monk), locking yourself in a room, beating yourself silly in attempt to purge your mind. Purity is a state of heart and something that must be constantly sought. It is a minute-by-minute commitment to God to present your body a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God (Romans 12:1).

One of my favorite verses, Psalm 138:8, brings me great comfort...

The LORD will perfect that which concerns me;
Your mercy, O LORD, endures forever;
Do not forsake the works of Your hands.

I am convinced the Lord will not forsake me, the work of His hands, and He will continue to refine me to present me as a spotless bride to my Beloved, Jesus Christ.

Blog Discovery

2006-09-27T14:38:00.000-07:00

Major Steven Givler of the USAF...

http://stevengivler.blogspot.com/

Announcement

2006-09-26T16:52:00.000-07:00

As of today, I am officially a registered voter in the United States. Yeah, just five weeks before my 19th birthday (and almost a year of being legally old enough to register). I finally did it and am looking forward to casting my first vote in the Texas gubernatorial elections in a couple of weeks. Maybe I should take pictures of this momentous event... *laughs*

Immigration Debate

2006-09-25T19:14:00.000-07:00

If you want to follow a debate (started by yours truly) about the United States/Mexico border issue and illegal immigration...

Pushing Back the Frontiers of Ignorance: "Frist Comes Around on Immigration"

This is going to be a fun way to practice, since my major is International Politics and Diplomacy.

Shock and Awe

2006-09-24T10:51:00.000-07:00

My family is shocked beyond belief -- I am actually making an effort to learn how to cook, do laundry, shop for food, budget my finances, washing dishes, and the like. If you've known me for a few years, you'll know that this is... well, a total miracle.

Two weeks ago, I joined a small group (along with my parents) that is doing a Crown Financial study so I can better manage my finances. Mom is training me how to plan menus and grocery shop (I call her the "goddess of grocery shopping" - she has grocery shopping down to an art). Now that Dad is working again, I try to help with the laundry. So far I haven't ruined anyone's clothes. Washing dishes... well, I still hate to do it, but I'm making myself wash them anyway.

Recently, I've started prepping mine and Dave's breakfasts and packing lunches the night before -- even coming home from school and cooking dinner. Mom stares and shakes her head in wonder.

What I once thought of as "domestic slavery" I've come to realize (finally) as a practical way to serve and love my family.

The Car Accident

2006-09-22T16:43:00.000-07:00

My last class for the day let out because my professor lost her voice and couldn't continue the lecture. I was thankful due to the massive migraine pounding in my head, but still had to run an errand at Wal-Mart for Mom. There were only three items on my list, but everything took twice as long because I was in a fog.

Little did I know that my migraine may have very well saved my life.

I finally made it out of Wal-Mart and made my way back home, attempting to keep my eyes open. Coming over the last hill before my turn, I had a few seconds to survey a large accident at the bottom and brake before landing in the bed of a pickup truck. It must have just happened. A few police cars and the volunteer fire crew were already on the scene. I craned my neck out the window to see what was going on. From what I could tell, there were more than two cars involved. I picked up my cell phone to call Mom and notify her that I wouldn't be home for a while.

"Your grandmother isn't in it... is she?" Mom asked.

"What? Why?"

"She just left to go to the store."

A sick feeling grew in my stomach. "I can't see..." I squinted my eyes. "My car is stuck. There's a driveway a few yards from me, but I'm afraid I'll land in the ditch if I try to pass the car in front of me. I'm stuck -- I'll call you back when I find something out."

The next twenty minutes were spent in fervent prayer. The sick feeling grew worse the longer I sat. Finally, I took the risk of landing my car in a three foot ditch and sailed into the driveway to park my car. I jumped out and walked to the scene of the accident. One of the cars was completely totaled -- the front end was entirely gone. A crowd of firemen and policemen stood around the ditch next to it. An ambulance came with stretchers.

"How many cars were involved?" I asked a trucker standing by.

"Three," came the answer in a strong Texan accent. "The other two are in the ditch across the road."

"What kind of cars are they?" My heart-rate increased.

"That truck," he pointed, "and a red suburban."

I breathed a sigh of relief (my grandmother drives a gray Nissan), but I was still worried about the people involved in the accident. I walked a little closer to the scene. Even though I couldn't see any details, I knew someone was hurt badly.

Then CareFlight came.

The chopper landed ten yards away from where I stood. I could only stare as memories of another car accident flooded my mind. Eleven years ago, Mom, Jer, and I were in a bad car accident. Our car was totaled and Jer nearly died. That moment is still so vividly burned into my memory. I don't talk about it much because it's one of those memories I'd rather not recall -- it was one of the most traumatizing moments of my life (so far).

After CareFlight left, I walked numbly to my car and somehow managed to pull out of the growing traffic and retrace back to the highway. I had to go 15 miles out of my way to get home, but the trip was almost surreal. The accident was still haunting me. I prayed for the people involved and wondered if the injured person was still alive.

My family welcomed me warmly once I stepped in the door, but I broke down. Maybe the combination of sheer exhaustion, a migraine, and haunting memories revisited, but I cried for a while as Mom and Jer held me. Had I not had that migraine and took so long to shop, I might have been the one in that car accident. More than anything, I was thankful my grandmother wasn't in that accident.

The Natives

2006-09-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

Once again, last night was the night to babysit for small groups and choir at church. Part of our evening schedule is to let the kids run amuck in the large, open hall to get their wiggles out. More than once, I had to chase members of the herd and corral them back into the section of hall where we adults could keep an eye on them.

Usually, Sarah G. brings her fiddle to play for the children to dance to, but last night she actually forgot. Thankfully, I brought my bodhran. We played a game I dubbed "freeze dance" -- an excellent way for the wiggles to be worked out. I would play on my drum while the children danced around like wild tribespeople. It looked like a scene from some National Geographic special -- wild natives dancing in a circle to a crazy drum beat.

Mom came out amidst the wild screams and drum beats to chastize the wild behavior.

"Keep the volume down. There's a parenting class upstairs and they're going to wonder what's going on."

I looked around at my tribespeople -- their war paint expertly applied to their faces with Crayola marker. "Okay, everybody, we're going to play the quiet dancing game." More wild dancing ensued -- now it just looked like a National Geographic special on mute.

His ways are not my ways

2006-09-20T09:21:00.000-07:00

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. "For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:8-11)

When I began classes as an incoming college freshman in the Fall of 2005, I had big dreams -- much like any starry-eyed student with plans to save the world. I was quickly disappointed to find that my ideas were not realistic. My major changed several times as I struggled to make sense of what I was doing in college. I thought I knew exactly how I was going to spend the next ten years of my life... but all my plans came crashing down as I realized that my plans were not His plans.

My first year of college found me floundering after my academic pursuits were crushed in the grip of painful reality. Previously, I would have said that my first year was a waste, but God was preparing me for things I would have never imagined.

Since February of this year, the Lord has brought situations into my life to spiritually develop me at an alarming rate. I now have a new reason for finishing college and a goal of completing by Spring of 2009, but there are so many times when I'd like to simply quit college and jump into ministry.

It is tiring to be exposed to such filth as one encounters on a college campus. A lot of my innocence was lost between the arguments with professors over entropy and The Big Bang, liberal social/political policies being banged over my head, filthy language assailing my ears every three seconds, and exposure to the sexual perversion that infests the hormone-driven hedonistic culture of college students. I often find myself longing to retreat into a state of sweet innocence that I feel is lost to me forever.

So why on earth am I still in college? There are many times (if not most) where I would like to drop out and throw myself head-long into ministry teaching women's Bible studies. But I am already in the ministry. There are people I have been able to reach that I would never have come into contact with except through college. How else would I have been able to minister to a bi-sexual marijuana smoker? Or a young single mom who got pregnant in high school? Or a Mormon? Or a Catholic? Or a college professor with enough religions to fill a swimming pool? They are the reason I am here -- not so I can obtain a bunch of degrees and titles. God gave me the opportunity to reach the "untouchables" that I would never see in a sheltered Christian bubble.

It is a good thing that God does not let me live my life as I please. I am living a life I never planned to live and desiring things I never wanted, but what great joy I have found! If you told me a year ago that I would be as I am now, I would have laughed at you... but all the time I think God was laughing at me.

In one of my favorite films, Sergeant York (1941), Gary Cooper plays the WW1 hero, Sergeant Alvin York. A phrase he often repeats during the movie, with a strong Tennesee accent: "The Lord sure do work in mysterious ways." Indeed, He does.

Hey, I could do this!

2006-09-19T05:42:00.000-07:00

"Wanted: 20 Short Actors With Hairy Feet"

Okay, so my feet aren't hairy, but that's a minor detail. All I need to do is drink some really strong coffee.

This gave me chills...

2006-09-18T16:40:00.000-07:00

http://www.apple.com/trailers/mgm/flyboys/trailer/

Only in my house...

2006-09-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Decked out in my favorite camouflage cargo pants and M*A*S*H t-shirt, I meandered down the hall towards the living room where I was greeted by my not-so-patriotic older brother.

"You going to invade somewhere?" he remarked sarcastically in regards to my uniform.

Though mine and David's political views and alliances are quite different, I still can't help but laugh at some of his comments. He's one of those people who can say really mean things and still get away with it because he's so funny. I have him to thank for sharpening my wit. You have to be quick on the draw in my house.

I don't usually do this...

2006-09-17T07:46:00.000-07:00

Usually, I don't post news articles, but I found this rather fascinating:

"The Dutch are the World's Tallest People"

I wonder if that has anything to do with their legalization of drugs...

It would be funny to picture me in the Netherlands. I'd literally be a dwarf to them. "Me big Dutchman... you tiny German."

Solo Swing

2006-09-16T09:30:00.000-07:00

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that Carey should be alone; I will bring a dancing partner fit for her." (Carey Paraphrase of Genesis 2:18)

Last night was swing again, but all of my friends that I invited couldn't come until next week. Julia was sick. I tried to bribe Jeremy into coming with no success. I wasn't about to miss swing, so I went by myself this time.

The ratio of girls to guys must have been at least 4:1 last night. Allison, a grad student and swing regular, brought along all the little girls from her huddle group at church. We were overrun with 14-year-olds. So I was a good sport and did the guy's part.

We learned the Charleston in the lesson. I became quite adept, but I was doing the guy's part, so when I finally got to dance with a guy my feet were confused. Not to worry, because I only danced with two guys last night. I found it really strange because I always have plenty of guys asking me to dance -- I never get to sit down. A lot of the "regulars" weren't there last night and there were lots of cute high school girls for the guys to dance with -- that's my only explanation.

After the lesson, I stood on the sidelines waiting for someone to ask me to dance. Looking over my shoulder, I saw a familiar creepy smile. Oh dear Lord, no.

"Hi, would you like to dance?" Mr. Creepy-Stalker-Resembling-Wormtongue said.

Am I that desperate? I thought to myself, briefly glancing around. "Sure." I "accidentally" stepped on his toes, trying to do the girl's part instead of the guy's.

Without much prospect of dancing, I walked around and took pictures for a while before deciding to leave early. I was feeling bummed and lonely, so there was no reason to hang around and look glum. As I walked to my car, I ran into John, one of the regulars (and a good dancer).

"Hey, why are you leaving so early?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I dunno... not many guys here tonight."

"Well, come on. I'll dance with you," he led me back inside. John was patient to let me catch on to the girl's part and danced three dances in a row with me. I thanked him, but decided to go home early anyway.

Next week will be more fun. Hopefully two of my pals and their boyfriends will come, along with a few guy friends of mine, and Jules. Maybe we can all go out to dinner or something and make it a big outing.

A story only God could write...

2006-09-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my off day from classes and work. The only pressing assignment was some Statistics homework, so I chose to do some recreational reading for the remainder of my day (something I haven't done since the 10th grade).

Mom and Jer had been begging/bugging me to read this book they got from our church library, called "When Dreams Come True: A Love Story Only God Could Write." I had begun to read a couple of chapters a few days earlier and found myself mildly interested, so I decided to go ahead and finish it.

Not that long ago, I would have scoffed merely at the title and refused to read such "nonsense," but now... now is a different story. I laughed. I cried. I cried some more. Before I knew it, I had finished the entire book. It was beautiful and moved me deeply.

SIDE NOTE: (1) That was the first book I'd read cover to cover in years. I rarely finish a book these days and often will skim. This book I read. (2) I never cry when I read a book. The only things that used to make me cry were The Passion of the Christ and Saving Private Ryan. Now everything makes me cry -- apparently books do too.

Jer and I discussed the book before I went to bed. My eyes were still moist and we laughed at how much I've changed over the past few years -- from a bitter feminist to a maternal basket-case. Only God could have done that. I guess you could say my life is "a story only God could write."

She's around here somewhere...

2006-09-14T09:13:00.000-07:00

Wednesday nights Mom and I babysit at church for the choir parents and the parents in small group Bible studies. I'm in the classroom with kids ages 2 - 4, among whom are two of my "nieces," Nivelle and Erin. Nivelle has a little admirer named Ian, who is also four. Last night they discovered that they like holding hands.

While the other children ran around in a frenzy, Ian took Nivelle by both hands, faced her, and gazed deeply into her eyes. He cocked his head to one side, smiling with a sheepish smile, and sighed deeply. Nivelle, in return gazed into his eyes and giggled. They stood there, staring at each other, amidst a rampaging herd of children. I thought I heard angels singing in the background (or maybe that was just my ears ringing).

Being the protective Auntie that I am, I walked over and laid a hand on Ian's shoulder.

"Young man, you need to ask Nivelle's daddy if you can hold her hands. You should only hold hands with a girl if you're planning to marry her."

Ian reluctantly let loose of Nivelle's hands and sighed. "Well, I know my wife is around here somewhere," Romeo squeaked in his four-year-old voice. I nearly snorted with laughter at his seriousness.

Soy Condene o Bendije?

2006-09-13T16:07:00.000-07:00

Today was the day of Dos Examenes -- Spanish and Governement. Government would be a breeze, but I dreaded Spanish. Que horror! I was already struggling in the class and the exam loomed before me like a noose. My prospects were grim as the professor passed out the sheets of dreaded paper. I had thoughts of suddenly becoming ill.

It isn't that I can't speak Spanish -- I could translate easily for you -- but I learned by immersion, not the typical dry classroom setting where you decline nouns and verbs. It's like a Hispanic person moving to the US, learning English by immersion, and then being thrown into a college-level grammar class. Not a lot of hope for good grades. I could survive just fine if you threw me into a Spanish-speaking country where no one speaks English, but I was drowning in a college class where everyone did speak English.

I stared blankly at the test before me. The first quarter of the exam was comprehension -- the professor read a magazine article out loud and asked true/false questions -- no problemo. The rest of the exam consisted of grammar beyond my comprehension. I just about cried. Failing was not an option. I sat in my seat praying and wondering what on earth I was going to do. Drop the course and go back to beginning Spanish? How was I going to cram that all in? I am killing myself to finish my Bachelor's degree by Spring of 2009, already with plans to do school full-time for the next two summers. How am I going to fit in an extra year of language courses?

But I knew what I had to do. I gathered my things and took the almost blank exam to my professor.

"I need to go back to beginning Spanish," I explained, feeling rather humiliated. "I don't understand, but I want to. I'll have to go back." She was very understanding. I walked out of the classroom feeling rather stupid. Now I have to drop that class and add in Beginning Spanish 1 next semester and finish the second half in the summer.

Not a big deal, really, except that I was struggling (yet again) with issues of surrender. I will have to give up my trip to China once more and stay home this summer to do 10-12 credit hours. It's been six years since I first wanted to go to China. Now I don't know when (or if) I'll get to go. I could, but then I wouldn't finish my degree by the Spring of '09. Summer of '08 I have to do 12 hours as well (but at least I get to do that as an international student in Ghana and the United Kingdom). Thankfully, Mom helped me figure out a way to plug in the Spanish courses with my degree plan, but the next couple of years will be very, very difficult.

Maybe someday I'll get to go to China. The Lord has asked me to surrender everything else in my life, so why not this too? I don't understand why, but His ways are higher than mine. I think the Lord knows that by making me wait longer for the desires of my heart, I will appreciate them so much more.

Punishment for Miss Sassy Pants

2006-09-12T15:55:00.000-07:00

God punished me today for my sassy attitude yesterday. I thought I'd done a pretty good job of punishing myself with a guilt trip, but today I was sent on another trip... to the Funny Farm.

Today was the first day of MOMs -- the all-day childcare the church sets up for mothers who hold Bible studies in the morning and a few hours in the afternoon for them to run errands without the munchkins in tow. Ninety-something signed up. We ended up with 120 children. It was semi-controlled chaos.

I purposely didn't want to know what age-group I'd been assigned to. Secretly, I was hoping to work with the older boys (5-12 yrs), but I said I was okay with wherever I was put. Please God, just not the two-year-olds. Though I love all ages of children, toddlers and teens are by far the most difficult to work with.

Guess where I was placed? That's right, the two-year-olds. One mother came in with her little girl, who is deathly allergic to a myriad of substances, including peanuts, wheat, latex, and a bunch of other stuff I can't remember. I was terrified as I heard of what could happen to this little girl if she was to come in contact with any of the mentioned substances. Thankfully, the mother planned to stay with her the first couple of weeks to keep an eye open and for us workers to learn the protocol.

Then another little girl came in, also deathly allergic to peanuts. I nodded my head with knit brows as her mother instructed me as what to do should one of the other children bring a meal with peanut products -- scour every child's hands and face, rinse their mouths out so they don't drool peanut goo on the toys, sanitize everything. My horror intensified as she demonstrated how to use the Epi-pen and call 911 should anything happen.

Of course, most of the children (being two and all) were suffering from separation anxiety and acting in an according manner -- screaming.

"Carey, the 12-month room is short a worker, can you transfer?" A co-worker popped her head in the room.

"Yeah, sure." But the situation awaiting me was even worse. Seventeen children, all crying and screaming simultaneously. It lasted almost all morning, with brief 5-second intervals of silence spotted here and there. By lunchtime I felt like the Walking Dead. 50% of my hearing lost, I prepared for another room change as we shuffled the remaining children to extended afternoon care. I was assigned to... one-year-olds.

Thankfully, I was assigned to a room with my mom and our friend Sylvia (from Guatemala). Working with my mom and adopted "aunt" Sylvia would make things much better. We only had six kids and they all took naps. We actually got to eat some lunch and chat for a while before I went to play with the older kids for the last hour.

"This must be God's way of punishing me for not being kind yesterday," I told Mom.

"Yeah, but why did Sylvia and I get punished with screaming kids today? We didn't do anything."

"That's because you're associated with me," I said as a matter-of-fact.

Rapier Wit

2006-09-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

"To possess a rapier wit means to have the ability to respond quickly and effectively to others in an argument, debate, or conversation in either a humorous or insulting manner (although the last part can be dropped)." - The Palm Boy Dictionary

* * * * * * * *

During lunch break I sat with Danielle and the posse again. Chase, a friend of Danielle and member of the posse, always bemoans the fact that girls see him as a friend and brother. He sat across from me at the table, staring at me with The Glazed Look. I put down my lunch.

"Aren't you supposed to be doing your Sociology homework, Chase?"

"I am," he stated without taking his eyes off me.

"No you're not, you're staring at me."

"I'm trying to find the meaning of life in your eyes."

I frowned. "Not interested. Go away."

"I was just kidding," he laughed, "but there is some truth in every joke." In other words, you're desperate for a date and you think you'll get something out of complementing my pretty eyes. My inner feminist had awoken and the rest of the conversation followed suit.

"So what are we guys to you? Like food or play-toys?" Chase asked later on, pretending to be insulted.

"I don't play with my food," I shot back. The rest of the table was in an uproar of laughter. Chase's jaw dropped to the table and I put my hand over my mouth, aghast at what had issued forth from my lips.

You have to understand that this group of people sees (or saw) me as a very quiet, nice girl. My come-back had everyone laughing hysterically or dropping their jaws. They didn't see it coming.

"So do we have a use?" Chase asked after he recovered from the last statement.

"I don't know. Do you think they have a purpose, Danielle?" I glanced over at my friend. "Nah, I think you're just here for my entertainment, Chase. You're the floor-show that comes along with lunch."

"I feel so used." Chase feigned an injured sniff. "Well, I'm sorry I had to serve as your entertainment."

"That's okay, I needed a nap anyway." Once again, more laughter issued from the peanut gallery/posse and Chase's jaw became unhinged.

"Ouch! Touche!" Chase laughed. He started talking to me again, but Danielle's boyfriend was talking over my head so I couldn't hear. I put my hand up.

"Chase, I see your lips moving, but I don't hear anything." Yet again there was laughter and Chase stared with feigned insult. David, who "makes Democrats look like nuns," spoke from across the table to me. "David, I see your lips moving but I don't hear anything."

"What is it with you and guys? Can you just not hear us?" Chase laughed.

"Huh?"

Lunch break was over and it was time for the next class. Chase followed me to the stairs and said goodbye to me in some strange dialect of Male. I turned and answered with a curt wave of the hand and then walked up the stairs ignoring him.

"OW!" he exclaimed behind me. Some guys are apparently turned on by girls who are hard to get. My mom says it's their "hunter instinct" -- they like a good chase. I find it rather strange -- it's as though they want to be punished. Any guy who's tried to make moves on me can attest with claw marks that I am indeed hard to get -- almost impossible. Jer claims that I have an "impenetrable fortress" around me.

Even though everyone thought my unexpected come-backs funny, I do need to go apologize to Chase on Wednesday. My speech wasn't edifying and it would have been better if I'd kept my mouth shut. Now I've got another guy bothering me.

A Heritage From the Lord

2006-09-11T05:57:00.000-07:00

Aimee and the girls dropped by the nursery last night to bring me a present Taylor and Gracie had helped make for me. It was so good to see them. I got hugs and a pretty pink flowered gift bag.

I peeked in the bag first chance I got. Inside was a pink photo album -- I pulled it out. The cover was decorated with the girls' handprints and a beautiful black and white photo of them. I opened the album to look at the first page -- "We luv you Carey." My eyes watered as I looked through the rest of the album -- pictures of Taylor dressing up with Amanda's girls, Gracie playing the piano, Taylor's first day of ballet, Taylor's first day of school. It was such a sweet time that went by so quickly. Seems like such a long time ago now.

What a change -- from "mommy bootcamp" back to the secular college scene! But at least I have that precious album to remind me of this summer.

This morning I read Psalm 127. Verse three states "children are a heritage from the Lord." Even though I don't have children of my own, it is such a privilege to be a part of other children's lives. The Lord has blessed me with so many opportunities to be a part of kids' lives -- I consider it such an honor.

Are you the girl?

2006-09-10T09:49:00.000-07:00

During the Awana JV/Varisty camp out, one of the younger boys walked up to me.

"Are you the girl whose brother threatened to kill anyone who touches you?" he eyed me suspiciously.

"Probably," I hesitated, "Sounds about right. Why?"

"Oh... well, you're brother threatened to kill Brent Harris if he so much as touched you."

"Really?" I laughed.

"Yeah, Brent was going to play joke on you while you were asleep in your tent, but Jeremy threatened him."

A Chance to Die

2006-09-09T12:26:00.000-07:00

Thursday night provided little sleep due to insomnia -- yet again I faced another school day with four hours of sleep. Classes dragged and I struggled through the day on several caffeinated drinks, returning home in the afternoon with just enough time to pack before leaving for a camp out.

[Our church's JV/Varsity Awana group had a camp out over the weekend and they needed another adult female chaperone and driver, so I volunteered at the last minute to come help out.]

So I came home from classes, helped Jer finish packing the van, and took off for church to meet the rest of the carpool -- decked out in camouflage. Besides Jer, I had two other little boys in the van with me -- Joshua and Craig (both 12). They became my troops and I became their Colonel Carey. With one command I could have them at attention and saluting me -- "Ma'am, yes ma'am!" It was great. Even though I'm five feet tall and anything but intimidating, I still get quite a bit of respect from the opposite gender -- especially little boys.

The kids kept me up most of the night -- either talking with a new JV girl who needed to talk (vent) or trudging around with the boys looking for an imaginary raccoon -- necessitating five Dr. Peppers to keep me going. It was fun, though. I finally crawled into my tent and dozed off for an hour before receiving a prank call from Brent H. on my cell phone. Then the girls were up giggling and talking most of the night. And there was some demon-possessed cat that kept jumping onto the tent and making strange noises.

This morning the kids played several different games and I found myself playing medic -- a girl fell on her head after being catapulted (thankfully no nerve damage or fractures occurred), another had a foot cramp and needed an ice pack, scrapes to be cleaned... those kids never cease to amaze me.

Jer and I just returned home about half an hour ago -- utterly exhausted and thoroughly filthy -- when Mom told us we had a wedding to attend tonight. So much for the nap. I've got a few hours to shower and do homework before leaving again. Due to lack of sleep and other factors, I will most likely cry during the wedding and make an absolute fool of myself.

Psalm 73:23-28

2006-09-08T04:31:00.000-07:00

You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward You will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For behold, those who are far from You shall perish;
You put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to You.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
that I may tell of all Your works.

Sorry

2006-09-07T18:02:00.000-07:00

I was editing some HTML in my blog template earlier today and somehow managed to mess things up badly enough to prevent people (including myself) from commenting and accessing the archives. This problem will be fixed as soon as possible, so please have patience!

Prayer

2006-09-07T10:14:00.000-07:00

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. (Romans 8:26-27)

Much of my prayer has never been verbal. When I bow my head and try to put to words what is in my heart, it never comes out right (or it doesn't come out at all). This frustrates me because I rarely am at a loss for words. (Those of you who know me well are probably laughing to yourselves.)

Some people can pour forth the most beautiful prayers, but I never seem to find my voice when I'm before the Lord in prayer. It is the one time I am mute. But is that such a bad thing?

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken. For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from Him. (Psalm 62:1-2,5)

It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid on him; let him put his mouth in the dust -- there may yet be hope. (Lamentations 3:27-29)

Be silent, all flesh, before the LORD, for he has roused himself from his holy dwelling. (Zechariah 2:13)

Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few. (Ecclesiastes 5:2)

For me, writing is the best way to express myself and communicate my ideas (hence the incessant blogging). I often say that "my pen is bolder than my tongue." Since the age of thirteen I have written out my prayers to the Lord. My bookshelf is full of volumes of "letters to God" that I have written over the years.

The most amazing thing to see is how God specifically answered my prayers. Even in the journal I am currently keeping -- I can look through the pages and read how God almost immediately answered my prayers (as soon as the next day).

Over the past six months -- and especially this summer -- the Lord has revolutionized my prayer life. Often my prayers were solely requests or ventings to God, but more recently the Lord has aligned my requests with the workings of the Spirit -- no longer frustrated or selfish requests, but requests for His will to be done instead of mine. And the outcomes are incredible.

Once the Lord brought me to this state of constant, daily surrender I began to see just how He works in prayer. It's not that all of the sudden God is finally listening to me and answering my prayers -- He brought me within the boundaries of His will and led my prayers to follow the path of His Spirit. I would pray specifically for something to happen and by the next day my specific prayer was specifically answered -- I kid you not.

What a difference from the current viewpoint of Evangelical Americans! We have books like "The Prayer of Jabez" and "The Lost Secrets of Prayer" that offer suggestions on how to press God's buttons to get what we want. One book title especially blows my mind -- "Breakthrough Prayer: The Secret of Receiving What You Need From God."

There are no secrets to a successful prayer life. God plainly tells us in His Word...

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. (Matthew 6:33)

Pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:17-18)

When you find yourself in the Lord's will, you will find your prayers lining up with His will. It's a truly amazing experience to be used by the Lord in such a way! What glory that brings Him!

"Chivalry is Dead"... A Commentary

2006-09-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

Beauty From the Heart: "Chivalry is Dead"... A Commentary

Today

2006-09-06T13:47:00.000-07:00

Last night was Axcess, my church's weekly College Life meeting, so that meant I didn't get home until 11 pm -- which by extension meant 5 and 1/2 hours of sleep. Though usually wide awake upon hitting the floor, this morning I had to literally drag myself out of bed and crawl to the kitchen to make coffee. If you can, picture me stumbling to the kitchen, freakishly messy hair, eyelids slightly glued shut, running into things... it's like a scene from a horror movie.

I sat on the couch in a daze, coffee and Bible in hand, praying that the Lord would still reveal His truth to me despite my comatose state. I looked over my notes from last night's lesson. Shea started the four-week series, "The Missional Life," with loving God. Sounds simple, yet oh how profound that is! Here are some of my notes from last night:

Our love for God should be...

... earnestly holistic, not complacently compartmental.
- Jeremiah 29:13
When the soul does not feast on God earnestly in love, spiritual malnourishment
will show up in every area of life.
... personal obedience, not just private experience.
- John 14:21
- 1 John 2:5, 5:3
True love evidences itself in obedience.
... outwardly expressive, not inwardly passive.
- 1 Peter 3:15
... given out of the same cup from which it was first received.
- 1 John 4:19
- Luke 9:23

Even though I moved very slowly all morning, I managed to get to Statistics class on time (barely). I would have dozed off during the lecture had it not been for Professor Excited next door occasionally shrieking "Ahh-hahh!!"

British Literature would be fun -- had the professor shown up. School policy states that if the professor doesn't show up ten minutes after class should begin, then the students may leave. Some of us stuck around longer, so I took the opportunity to talk about Stonehenge, burial mounds, and Viking excavations, showing my remaining classmates photos from my trips to the UK and brochures I had saved from the Viking settlement in York. (Leave it to me to take over the class if the professor doesn't show up.) Thirty minutes into class time and still no professor, we faithful few finally dispersed.

I took the unexpected break to pay a visit to the coffee shrine... er, shop.

"How many shots of espresso would be considered lethal?" I asked Glenn, the coffee shop guy (and fellow believer).

"Umm... I would recommend you start with two." He passed me a small cup of steaming goodness (which I loaded with Splenda and creamer).

For some odd reason, I was extra alert for Spanish class... unlike the dude sitting next to me who fell asleep during lecture. I don't know how he made it into Intermediate Spanish; he always looks on at my notebook for a translation of the homework assignment (our professor rarely speaks English in class).

Lunch break found me in the company of a former classmate and friend, Danielle, and her posse. Our discussion ranged from the five-second rule (of which I demonstrated by dropping a raisin on the floor and then eating it -- much to the horror of everyone else) to dating and personal purity standards.

"I don't think I could do that," Danielle commented on my antiquated no-kissing policy.

Government was frustrating as usual -- not because I don't love the subject, but because I have a bunch of disrespectful classmates who use lecture time to visit amongst themselves or surf the web on their lap-tops. Even sitting on the front row does not lessen the distraction. I wanted to turn around and shout "SHUT UP!" but refrained because that might (slightly) mar my testimony. Maybe I'll talk privately with the professor to encourage stricter class policy so we can actually learn something. One of the girls actually asked what an oligarchy was!

Before History started, I got to chat for quite some time with one of my classmates. His name is Jonathan and he's one of those sweet, quiet, slightly nerdy types that most people overlook. (I always make it a personal goal of mine to seek out quiet loners and draw them out of their shells.) We discussed classes and our selected majors, which (naturally) lead to talking about international travel and mission trips.

"I went on a mission trip to Sao Paulo, Brazil," he told me.

"Oh, really?" my interest was immediately peaked. "How long were you there?"

"Two months, but I was supposed to be there two years." Jonathan had to leave because of health problems. I asked where he went to church. "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints," he answered.

"Oh, okay." I raised my eyebrows and said nothing more about the subject. I've got to read up on Mormonism again. Now I've got MOs (mission opportunities) in Spanish and History.

So that's today so far. I have another hour at home before I need to leave for work.

Worthless Things

2006-09-05T05:41:00.000-07:00

Lead me in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selfish gain! Turn my eyes from looking at worthless things; and give me life in your ways. (Psalm 119:35-37, ESV)

The Hebrew word (shawv) means "emptiness, vanity, falsehood; nothingness,emptiness of speech, lying; worthlessness (of conduct)," but is taken from a root word meaning "ravage; devastation, ruin, waste." "Turn away" is used in the sense of alienation.

Alienate my eyes from emptiness and vanity.

How many times do worthless things in our lives turn our eyes from God? I could make quite a long list of worthless things that distract my attention from Christ.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Lay aside every weight. Not some -- not a few -- every weight and sin which clings so closely.

Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him. (2 Timothy 2:3)

The Ministry of Eric and Leslie Ludy

2006-09-04T16:33:00.000-07:00

Check out their website...

http://www.ericandleslie.com/

Click here to listen to their song "Faithfully."

Purposeful Singleness

2006-09-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that. This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away.

I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. (1 Corinthians 7:28-35)

Swing

2006-09-02T23:13:00.000-07:00

Just returned home from swing (and it's now 1 am). New record: 8 dance partners. The quotient continues to increase by two... maybe next time it will be 10.

One of the guys actually danced with me more than once. (He was a bit of a flirt.) Julia and I were chatting and planning to leave when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Hi, um, would you dance with me again?" he smiled charmingly.

"Uh, sure..." I glanced at Jules as he took my hand and led me to the dance floor. He chatted with me, asking how long I had been dancing because I was a "good dancer," blah blah blah. That sort of thing. Then he danced the next dance with me too. One beneficial thing I got out of that was I learned how to do the Charleston.

Another guy I recognized from Jer's high school choir (whose name is also Jeremy). He noticed me earlier snapping photos with a Canon EOS Digital Rebel (David's professional camera that he kindly loaned to me) and I discovered that he also liked photography. So of course he asked me to dance with him.

The camera got me another dance partner too. Another guy I danced with is a photography major at UNT -- we chatted about cameras while dancing. I think I should bring the expensive camera more often. Some guys are really impressed with that, apparently.

Most of my dance partners entertained themselves by flirting with me.

"You're very intelligent," one commented, hearing of my college major. What? Did you run some IQ test on me?

Another needed the "occasional replacement of the hand" move. Keep your hand off my lower back, buddy. If that hand goes any further I shall have to remove it.

One good thing happened -- I talked to the guy who heads up the swing group in Denton, and I get to help create a website and promotion material. He needed someone to delegate and who knows how to create a website -- so TADA! He's going to e-mail me some ideas for the website so we can get that started. And then I can do some promotion in the College Life group so we can expand our small swing group. This will be fun. The guy had a vision -- he just needed someone who can delegate and communicate with people. So I'm sort of like Public Relations.

[Note: I'll post pictures from swing later and include a link when the website's up and running.]

Seek

2006-09-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

I have not departed from the commandment of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth More than my necessary food. (Job 23:12)

O God, You are my God; Early will I seek You; My soul thirsts for You; my flesh longs for You In a dry and thirsty land where there is no water. So I have looked for You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory. Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise You. (Psalm 63:1-3)

When You said, "Seek My face," my heart said to You, "Your face, LORD, I will seek." (Psalm 27:8)

Glory in His holy name; let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD! Seek the LORD and His strength; seek His face evermore! (Psalm 105:3-4)

But as for me, I would seek God, and to God I would commit my cause— Who does great things, and unsearchable, marvelous things without number. (Job 5:8-9)

The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; for You, LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You. (Psalm 9:9-10)

One thing I have desired of the LORD, that will I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in His temple. (Psalm 27:4)

Let all those who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; let such as love Your salvation say continually, "The LORD be magnified!" (Psalm 40:16)

Glory in His holy name; let the hearts of those rejoice who seek the LORD! Seek the LORD and His strength; seek His face evermore! (Psalm 105:3-4)

Blessed are the undefiled in the way, who walk in the law of the LORD! Blessed are those who keep His testimonies, who seek Him with the whole heart! (Psalm 119:1-2)

My eyes fail from seeking Your salvation And Your righteous word. Deal with Your servant according to Your mercy, and teach me Your statutes. (Psalm 119:123-124)

Mathematics Fun?

2006-09-01T14:07:00.000-07:00

As usual, I dreaded Statistics -- my first class for the day -- but today proved to be a little more entertaining.

A lady from the tutoring department came to tell us about the school's tutoring program for mathematics, where to find the lab, etc. She had to change the posters across the campus. Originally, the signs read "Math Lab -- room 128," but some jokester took a marker and changed the signs to "Meth Lab -- room 128."

In class the professor discussed the principles of random sampling from a population. Very boring -- until she whipped out the bag of chocolate. My attention was immediately caught.

"Now, I want each of you to reach into the bag and select one Hershey's kiss. There is a specific ratio of dark chocolate to milk chocolate."

Please, oh please be dark chocolate, I silently prayed as I reached into the bag. Yay! It was (later discovered - the bag was only 30% dark chocolate).

We had to wait to eat our chocolate after the example problem was explained. I stared at the kiss sitting on my desk. As if that wasn't enough of a distraction, the professor next door -- an excitable African American man who would have been better suited to charismatic clergy -- was making quite a bit of racket. Vainly, I tried to concentrate on the math problem written on the marker board as Dr. Excited shrieked, shouted, and pounded his desk with gusto.

"Sorry this class isn't as exciting as the one next door," my Statistics professor apologized, "but at least you got chocolate."

I found myself wondering what class was being held next door. Whatever it was, I wanted to sign up for it next semester. Who wouldn't want a professor who gets so excited over his subject that he shrieks?

Verses for Today...

2006-09-01T05:36:00.000-07:00

For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly.
(Psalm 84:11)

Yes, the LORD will give what is good;
And our land will yield its increase.
Righteousness will go before Him,
And shall make His footsteps our pathway.
(Psalm 85:12-13)

"Modern-Day Gentleman"

2006-08-31T17:30:00.000-07:00

This is some good stuff, written by Brett Harris (younger brother of Joshua Harris)...

When Lancelot Comes Riding: Part 1
When Lancelot Comes Riding: Part 2

Spiritual Gifts

2006-08-31T12:02:00.000-07:00

These are interesting and quite helpful -- especially if you're not so sure what your spiritual gifts are.

The long, detailed test

The shorter test

Debate!

2006-08-30T20:42:00.000-07:00

Unlike many of my homeschooled counter-parts, I never participated in debate competitions during my high school years. With no formal training in the art of argument, I was thrust upon the secular college scene. Fortunately, I was well-trained in the Bible, apologetics, and varying world views at home. Naturally, when you possess a world view radically different from the surrounding culture, debates will find you quite easily.

Today was debate day for me. It seemed that every time I turned around, someone was challenging me. During lunch break I found myself in a brief skirmish with a favorite ex-professor (about the rapture) and then while eating lunch in the commons room I found myself in a debate about abortion and sexual morality/responsibility with a group of irresponsible males and two very quiet females.

After lunch was American National Government. Class time was basically open discussion about varying political issues. That was fun. Yes, I finally got to express my opinion about the US/Mexico border issue and illegal immigration -- occasionally interrupted by a very close-minded and ignorant blonde. Sorry, but that girl got on my nerves -- I can't stand isolationists.

Of course, the issues of the death penalty, gay marriage, etc. were brought up. My professor basically has a relativist point of view. She stated that our government is polluted by Judeo-Christian ethics and that gay marriage should be legalized, blah blah blah.

"Is murder really wrong? According to Judeo-Christian ethics, it is... but is it really? Depends on who's point of view you're looking at. Does that make the death penalty right? That's just more killing, isn't it?"

"Look, what this all comes down to is the nature of man," I didn't bother raising my hand, "and an absolute standard of morality -- we all have it built into us. Suppose someone steals your car or murders your husband. You want justice -- you want that person to be punished. But did he really do anything 'wrong'? According to the criminal, he didn't do anything wrong. Besides, it's all relative, right? If you look at it that way, we should just ditch government altogether and have anarchy, because everyone should be able to do what they think is right and not have ethics forced upon them."

She then brought up the issue of the separation of church and state... not really addressing my question.

"I'm not talking about forcing any religion on anyone, but if you don't have an absolute standard of right and wrong as a foundation for law and government..." I was interrupted by the growing racket in the back of the classroom, which soon turned into a bunch of separate sub-groups arguing amongst themselves.

Class ended, leaving me slightly frustrated. You can only argue so far with spiritually dead people.

The fool has said in his heart, "There is no God." They are corrupt, and have done abominable iniquity; there is none who does good. (Psalm 53:1)

For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools. (Romans 1:20-22)

Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, that every mouth may be stopped, and all the world may become guilty before God. Therefore by the deeds of the law no flesh will be justified in His sight, for by the law is the knowledge of sin. (Romans 3:19-20)

For it is written: "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent." Where is the wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the disputer of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of this world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world through wisdom did not know God, it pleased God through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe. (1 Corinthians 1:19-21)

But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence. (1 Corinthians 1:27-29)

Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you seems to be wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, "He catches the wise in their own craftiness"; and again, "The LORD knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are futile." (1 Corinthians 3:18-20)

Thirsty No More

2006-08-30T05:04:00.000-07:00

Last night was the first Axcess meeting for the College Life ministry of the fall 2006 semester. I briefly attended Spring semester of 2006, but this time I want to get more involved. Community groups are starting -- and get this -- 2nd year community groups (sophomore and up) are studying manhood and womanhood. (Obviously I'd be in an all-female accountability group studying womanhood.) I'm really excited about that.

Shea Sumlin (our College Life pastor) spoke of how college (and getting a degree) is not the ultimate goal, but merely a means to an end. It's funny, but Mom and I were discussing that same topic not long ago. When I was a senior in high school, my goal was to pursue a doctorate and acquire all of these degrees and titles. I thought I knew what I was doing, but after the first semester of college I dropped classes and changed my major. In fact, since my senior year of high school, I think I've changed my major four or five times. First it was medical school, then nursing school, then I discovered that medicine was not the route I was to take, so I dropped my nursing courses and took basics with an undecided major. After that, I wanted to major in English, then Photojournalism, and now I'm majoring in International Studies with a minor in Geography. Go figure.

I, like so many other college students, had a candy-coated vision of the future. I thought college would be this wonderful experience -- the noble pursuit of knowledge, but by the end of my first semester, I was sorely disillusioned. That's because my focus was wrong. Acquiring degrees and titles was my goal, and I quickly realized that I was grasping for the wind (Ecclesiastes 1:14).

Shea used a very fitting passage from John 4 to describe the vain pursuit of a college degree...

Jesus said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty forever. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." (John 4:13-14, ESV)

So college is a waste of time? No. Like Shea said (and I heartily agree with), college is merely a means to an end. If I were in college just for the heck of it, I would have already dropped out, but my college education (and ultimately my Bachelor's degree) is just a vehicle. When people ask me what I would to with my major, I tell them I could work for the military or the government (ambassador, CIA, FBI, etc.) -- and maybe I will -- but however God decides to use me is ultimately up to Him and unknown to me at this moment. I am right where He wants me at this time and I'm going to serve Him wherever I am -- be it in ministry, military, government, or whatever.

I don't know what the future holds, but no matter what God has planned for me I know I'll only be happy when I am complete in Him. All the degrees in the world, a successful career, a husband and kids... none of that will ultimately satisfied. I have found the only time I truly have joy is when I am serving God in ministry to others. Only God can complete me... but that's how He created you and me. We're created with a hole that only God can fill.

For in Him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in Him, Who is the head of all rule and authority. (Colossians 2:9-10, ESV)

$$ Beep Beep $$

2006-08-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

Apparently the battery wasn't the only problem with my car. Dad is still working on the old girl and Nate's coming over later tonight to help. If they can't get my bucket of bolts to work by tomorrow, my grandma is loaning her car to me so I can drive to school.

Most likely the car repairs will cost a couple hundred dollars... might as well be a thousand. This month was financially tight already. I believe the Lord has a few more lessons in store for me. Thankfully, David is loaning me the money to fix my car. I'm so glad I've got my family (and extended family) to help me out -- I feel really loved.

Due to financial difficulties, I won't be able to put Dumpling to sleep for the moment. The car problems are actually a blessing in disguise. Maybe God will take her naturally and I won't have to be responsible for her death -- I don't know if I could live with that. (Besides, I think it's sick to make someone pay money to have their pet put down.)

Damsel in Distress

2006-08-28T18:57:00.000-07:00

My first day of the new semester started off with an interesting twist (what else would it be with me?). I stepped out my back door to be greeted with a rainy, gray morning. Perfect weather for my first day of school.

First class of the day... Statistics. Somehow, two classes were scheduled for the same room at the same time, so we spent the first 15 minutes of class in the hall before being relocated.

Sadistics... excuse me, Statistics left a slightly sour taste in mouth, but there was British Literature to look forward to. I always enjoy my literature classes and end up on a first-name basis with my professors. That was shot down as I beheld a sign on the door that read "class cancellation for today." No way. First day of school and already a cancellation. Bummer.

With an hour to kill, what else would I do except curl up in a corner with a theology book? "Total Surrender," by Andrew Murray was written back in the 1800s, but I find it very thought-provoking (yet understandable) reading material. I'll try to post some quotes from it tomorrow.

Next class was Intermediate Spanish... all I can say is that it will take a miracle to get an A in that class. I can speak, read, and understand Spanish just fine... but grammar? I can hardly understand English grammar, let alone Spanish grammar. Past participle? Imperfect tense? Are you kidding me?

I made an acquaintance with a girl in my Spanish class who just moved here two weeks ago from San Diego. Having returned from San Diego a month ago, I immediately struck up a conversation with her. It was her first time on campus, so I showed her around and ate lunch with her. *DING* Ministry opportunity! I'm no longer a freshman, so that gives me an upperhand to show around new freshmen or incoming transfer students.

After lunch was American National Government. I was instantly hooked and expect to enjoy this class immensely. It sounds funny, but I got really excited discussing international relations and national sovereignty in class. (Good thing, since that's what my major deals with.) I hope my professor brings up the topic of illegal immigration -- that's one of my favorite political soapboxes.

Last class of the day was American History 2 (1865-present). By then, I was weary of reading syllabi and listening to the same ADA statement being read aloud... "[We] do not discriminate on basis of race, gender, national origin, religion... blah blah blah." I felt some amount of relief because I had the same professor for this class that I had for American History 1 last semester. Yeah, she's a hippie with interesting ideas, a dislike for the Puritans, and bizarre statements about suffragists, but I enjoy her style of teaching -- even if it is American History tainted with a secular view.

I almost hated for history class to be over, because that meant I had to go home and take the rabbit to be put to sleep. The rain had finally stopped, but that didn't cheer me as I gloomily trudged through puddles to my car... my dead car.

Yes, I left the lights on -- which resulted in a very dead battery. I walked back into the building to look for someone I knew or someone from Admin (administration personnel). Every single person I knew or even recognized was either in class or already gone. Admin was overrun due to slackers signing up for classes on the first day of school. I returned to my car on the outskirts of the desolate parking lot and called my dad to come rescue me. Mom answered the phone.

"Hi sweetie!" she squeaked into the phone (her usual excited greeting). "Are you on your way home?"

"My car is dead. Very dead."

"What?? Are you serious?" Why do you always ask that? Of course I'm serious.

"Can Dad come rescue me?"

"Honey, our high-maintenance daughter needs to be rescued again," she called to my dad. High maintenance? Thanks, Mom. Just because I'm constantly getting myself injured, stranded, or... okay, nevermind.

Dad's first thought was why not ask some random strange guy to jumpstart my car. No way. I'm not going to walk up to some strange guy and say, "Excuse me, would you jumpstart my car, please?" No. In all honesty I don't totally trust guys. Call me strange, suspicious, cynical, or just plain weird. That was a good thing, because only my dad (who has an extensive knowledge of mechanics) would have been able to get my car started.

While waiting for Dad, I popped the hood (universal sign of "car in trouble") and sat with the windows open -- lone white car in nearly desolate parking lot -- impossible to miss. I read a print-off Mom gave me that morning from an Eric and Leslie Ludy book (deserving of its own post). Several guys drove by and saw me. I wanted to wave my umbrella and shout, "Hello... damsel in distress here! Any knights in the area to come rescue me?"

My knight came riding to rescue me in a big, ugly, green mini-van... my Dad. After ten tries to jump-start my car the conventional way (with no results), Dad turned to me and said, "I'm going to come behind you and push your car with the van. Put your car in first gear and keep your foot on the clutch. When I get to 20 mph, I'll signal you and you'll release the clutch."

"In the parking lot? Are you crazy?! What is that going to do?" I panicked as visions of me hitting other cars, trees, or assorted light-posts flashed across my mind.

"Look, if I explained you wouldn't understand anyway. Just do it and trust me, okay?" He mentioned something about decompressing the engine, but that is way beyond my line of thinking. I'm not mechanically inclined.

"Oooookay..." I moaned. "You are going to put the hood down first, right?" Like a scene from a horror movie, the thought of a car with its hood raised sailing through a parking lot disturbed me.

Dad slammed the hood and proceeded with his plan. He walked me through the steps on the cellphone. I can only imagine what that looked like to bystanders. Strangely enough, my car did start and I was able to drive home.

Needless to say, I finally arrived home an hour and half after my last class ended. The vet's office was closed, much to my relief. Besides, Amanda's girls were over and I didn't want them to have to deal with a dead rabbit. Spinning tales of bunny heaven, while comforting for children, is just bad theology.

I headed for the kitchen to snack on some grapes. Three-year-old Erin watched intently with her large brown eyes. I gave her a handful of grapes offering advice: "Here, stuff some in your pockets."

"You didn't give her any more grapes, did you?" Mom popped her head into the kitchen. Erin and I looked at each other.

"Uhh... why?"

"The girls have already had a bunch of fruit."

"Oops..." Aunt Carey is such a wonderful influence... stuff them in your pockets.

Amanda and Nate returned from the gynecologist with a successful sonogram (Amanda is expecting baby #4... and she's five years my senior) and took the girls home. We got ready to leave for Scouts. Jer was supposed to receive some Eagle patch thing... I don't know, but Mom wanted me to come and take pictures. Being the family paparzzi, I agreed to drag myself along with a camera to get shots at... er, of Jeremy.

Unfortunately, Jeremy's Scout master forgot to mention that he hadn't picked up whatever this thing was that he was supposed to present to Jer tonight. I stared blankly at the man, expensive camera in hand.

To make up for dragging me out of the house, Mom took me to get chocolate and Dr. Pepper. That cures almost everything.

After all that, the rabbit still lives... but my car does not. Dad is going to see if he can fix it tomorrow, but I may be paying for a visit to the garage instead of the vet. Secretly, I'm happy that I didn't have to take my bunny to be put to sleep, but I can't drive her to school. Hopefully, Dad can repair the car so I can drive to the College Life meeting tomorrow night.

Meditations of my heart...

2006-08-28T04:45:00.000-07:00

Before church yesterday, I came across a passage of Scripture that I had read many times before -- it had been highlighted, notes scribbled next to it -- but it took on a new light for me as I read it that morning.

And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

Something struck my heart as I read this. God gave me a situation that produced some trials of its own. My thorn in the flesh is not the situation nor the trials, but my attitude. (I hate to use the term "feelings," but that is the best I can come up with.) Many, many times over the past six months I pleaded that God would take away my "feelings" toward the situation, but there were three major moments where (I thought) my prayers had been answered in moments of my own resolution. But 24 hours would prove me wrong each time and the "feelings" would return.

So as I read this passage of Scripture, I realized I had been praying the wrong thing all this time! My prayers changed. I prayed that instead of relieving me, the Lord would bend my "feelings" into prayer -- not frustration. His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

Another passage I read this morning in my quiet time also revolutionized the way I pray -- I began praying the Scripture for specific situations and/or people in my life.

Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You.
Teach me to do Your will,
For You are my God;
Your Spirit is good.
Lead me in the land of uprightness.
(Psalm 143:8,10)

As of late, I worry way too much -- some worries are legitimate, others ridiculous -- so I made a commitment with the Lord this morning. Instead of worrying, I'm going to pray. Every time Satan bombards me with the temptation to doubt God's goodness, I'm going to combat him with Scripture.

Today, my weapon is Psalm 143:8,10 -- I will pray this Scripture for specific people.

Cause ____ to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, for in You does ____ trust; cause ____ to know the way in which he/she should walk, for I lift up ____'s soul to You. Teach ____ to do Your will, for You are his/her God; Your Spirit is good. Lead ____ in the land of uprightness.

Last Day of My Life

2006-08-27T09:29:00.000-07:00

Classes for the fall semester start tomorrow. Thankfully, I'm down to one job now, but I'm taking on more hours -- 15 in all (five classes). Not bad, but there is one class I am not looking forward to... Statistics. My mind draws a blank with mathematics. Heck, I do well to balance my bank account.

Even though school doesn't really get me excited, I am looking forward to the first College Life ministry meeting this Tuesday. College is a mission field unto itself, so if I keep this mentality I might be more excited about school.

One thing in particular makes me dread tomorrow. After returning from my last class, I'm taking my rabbit to the veterinary hospital to have her put to sleep. None of the medicines have worked and she's only getting worse. It would be cruel to let her suffer any more -- she's already dying. That is going to be so hard. I've had her since I was a freshman in high school. She's my baby. Jer is coming with me for emotional support. I just hope I can drive to the vet without being hysterical.

"Far Away"

2006-08-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

This music video made me cry (so what else is new?).

Counted as Loss

2006-08-26T07:40:00.000-07:00

~ Read Philippians 3

Why do we fret about what we can or cannot do for God? We look at the gifts and talents of others, wishing we could be "talented" like so-and-so, or gifted in a certain area like this-or-that person. What have we -- the "nobodies" -- to offer to God?

No one has anything to offer to God. I once heard a sermon by Dr. Charles Stanley in which he said, "The only thing Christ wants from you is yourself." How true! God wants all of me so He can use me for His glory. That's why I was created.

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith -- that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. (vs. 7-11)

The Apostle Paul had bragging rights (humanly speaking), but look what he says -- "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ." The Greek word in this verse for "loss" literally means "damage." Damage... wow. He considered that "important" stuff he did as damage for the sake of Christ.

I once heard a quote saying, "What's done this life shall pass, but what's done for Christ will last." If we aren't doing it all for Christ (Colossians 3:23), then it's worthless! For example, I used to receive vocal training and music theory from my high school choir director. I write songs and play the piano -- I could make an album and push my way into "fame" if I really wanted to. But that is total rubbish if I'm not using that for Christ. How did God use my music skills this year? I directed song time for childcare at church and sang Gracie to sleep in the car. Some people might call that a "waste," but was it?

My writing is only worth something if it touches and impacts people for Christ -- so what if I could publish a book and establish myself in the writing community? All my world-traveling is nothing unless I am telling people in other countries about Christ. Anything and everything I do is nothing if not used for the glory of God!

I have a friend who's a doctor. He could have stayed in Dallas and made lots of money, lived in a nice house, driven a nice car -- just like all of the other doctors. He is currently living in China with his family, making calls to remote villages in the mountains.

My mother could have been an astrophysicist. She is a stay-at-home mom who home-schooled me K-12 and is still home-schooling Jeremy through high school. The science community will never know her name. However, she has impacted not only her children, but many young mothers in our church -- by extension impacting future generations of children.

God uses the simple to confound the wise (1 Corinthians 1:27). Think of David. What was he doing when the prophet Samuel came to anoint him future king of Israel? Watching sheep -- one of the lowliest jobs around. David was the youngest of seven brothers -- all of whom were considered "important" in the world's eyes. Little David watched sheep while his brothers went off to fight in war. Look what God did with a shepherd boy -- made him king of His chosen nation, won important military victories through him, wrote the longest book of the Bible. Was it because David was strong and talented? No. God uses people that most of us don't even think of.

So what do you have to offer to God?

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. (Romans 12:1)

Just you -- that's it -- not the trinkets and baubles of this world.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. (2 Corinthians 4:7)

The surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We have no bragging rights.

"Inward Gaze"

2006-08-26T07:21:00.000-07:00

Far Above Rubies: "Inward Gaze"

Last Day

2006-08-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my last day as a nanny. Come this Monday, I shall be a college student again. I'm really going to miss the D family -- especially the girls. Looking back on this summer, it's amazing to see how much God has taught me -- not just with the nanny job, but in other situations as well. I feel as though I've aged another five years or so. God must have great plans ahead, otherwise He wouldn't have worked so hard on me this summer.

Something rather funny came to my mind yesterday afternoon. I was recalling when I first met the D family -- almost three years ago. Joel and Aimee brought Taylor to the nursery every Sunday night before going to the service. I was sixteen at the time and not too thrilled about working in the nursery. I didn't want to get married or have kids -- let alone work in the nursery -- but God sovereignly placed me there for a reason. Taylor and I hit it off from the start and I began to warm up to the shy little red-head.

Being the imaginative writer I was (am), I wrote a fictional short story based on Taylor -- a college student meets a family, becomes their nanny, and eventually changes her mind about having kids of her own someday. While at the time I couldn't picture myself doing such a thing, little did I know that's exactly what would happen! I can honestly say, that after caring for Taylor and Gracie this summer, I do want to have kids of my own someday. This is a big change coming from someone who hated guys (in general) and wanted to be a career woman!

Doesn't God have an ironic sense of humor?

[However, I also see what a big responsibility parenting is, and I'm in no rush to get into it. I'll enjoy my years as a single college student.]

New Name, Same Blog

2006-08-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Some of you might notice the name of this blog has changed. However, I'm keeping the URL the same to avoid confusion.

Why the change (other than I thrive on change)? "Carey's Journal" was a very un-creative name I came up with when this blog was born. Since it is celebrating its first anniversary this month, I thought it high time to christen it with a better name -- hence, "Meditations of the Heart" -- taken from one of my favorite Psalms.

Closed Doors and Broken Fingers

2006-08-25T04:45:00.000-07:00

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (Psalm 51:17, ESV)

"The Closed Door"

Greg sat comfortably in his recliner watching his two-year-old daughter Caroline play by the fire place. The baby was finally asleep and now he could enjoy a peaceful evening while his wife, Caryn, was with some friends on a much-needed girls' night out in town.

Caroline was the apple of her father's eye. He loved to dote on his blonde little girl. Most of the time she was quite obedient (or at least gave the impression), but Caroline had a rebellious streak that sometimes scared her parents.

Greg looked out the window to see an unusually beautiful night sky. He picked up his daughter and walked out the front door to the covered porch. They both surveyed the view before them -- a velvet night sky studded with stars stretched above their 100-acre ranch, framed by a fringe of the Rockies, fresh with snow. The toddler squealed in delight at the beauty.

"Someday, this will be yours, sweetie," Greg nuzzled his little girl. A chilly November wind began to nip at their noses. Greg sheltered Caroline in his arms and took her back inside the cabin. She wasn't properly dressed for the weather and Greg could hear the distant cries of wolves. He sat her beside the crackling fireplace with her toys and went back to his recliner to read. Caroline looked winsomely out the window at the beautiful night sky. She toddled towards the window and stood on her tiptoes. Greg chuckled to himself as he thought of how he would give his little girl the ranch when she was grown. He was glad she thought it was pretty. Caroline began to wimper -- she wanted to go outside again.

"Not now, sweetheart. You're not dressed for the weather and there are wolves outside. We'll go out tomorrow when the wolves are gone and I can put you in warmer clothes."

Caroline stuck out her lower lip and looked up at her father with watery blue eyes.

"No, baby. Not now." Greg went back to his book. Caroline watched him closely for a while and began to edge towards the door. She made it to the door and looked back at her father, still reading in his chair. Caroline reached up to turn the doorknob. Greg sprang from his chair.

"No, Caroline!" He scolded as he locked the door. She sat down and pouted as her father walked back to his recliner. Then she noticed the stool. Suddenly, a wolf cried quite close to the cabin, startling Greg.

"I hope they don't get to the chickens again," Greg mumbled to himself as he rose to secure his rifle. That's when he saw that Caroline had ingeniously pushed a stool up to the door, unlocked it, and was turning the knob. Greg grabbed her and pulled the stool away.

"Caroline, I told you not to go outside. The wolves are very close and it is dangerous out there. I don't want you to get hurt." He swatted her hand this time. Caroline fussed, but seemed to understand as she went back to her toys. Greg secured the lock and went to the kitchen to fix some coffee. The wiley toddler watched her father disappear into the kitchen before sneaking towards the door again. She didn't notice the loud howling and pawing as she pushed the stool towards the door and proceeded to unlock the front door.

Greg walked out of the kitchen with his coffee and was horrified to see his daughter had opened the door -- she peered out, but what she didn't see that her father did was a large wolf heading for the opened door. Caroline looked back at her father and defiantly stuck her hand in the opening. Greg dropped his coffee and slammed the door as the wolf lunged for the two-year-old. Caroline screamed in pain as she held her crushed little fingers, but the injury would have been far worse had her father not shut the door.

Greg took his daughter in his arms and cradled her. He was upset with her for being so defiant, but sorry that his little girl had to learn such a painful lesson. He didn't say a word as he tenderly kissed her purple little fingers.

------------------------------------------------

"Nice place, Carrie," commented her friend. "Your father left you a beautiful ranch."

"He sure did," she smiled. "The best gift he ever gave me -- besides life," she added.

Carrie's friend handed her some coffee and noticed her crooked fingers. "You never told me the story behind your crooked fingers -- you said they weren't always like that."

"No, they weren't. Let me tell you what happened..."

Of course, this is an allegory, but I would have to say that little toddler was me. Three times the Lord asked me to surrender something. Three chances. I couldn't understand why God closed that door and I wanted so badly to peer out. Sure, I wrote all of these articles about surrender -- I preached it with gusto -- but when it actually came down to me totally surrendering, I didn't in my heart.

So God had to slam the door on my prying little fingers, and oh, did it hurt. But I had no one to blame but myself. God gave me not one, but three chances to surrender and I didn't. He finally had to let me learn the hard way. While my fingers aren't literally broken, I will most likely bear the emotional scars of my disobedience for the rest of my life.

Why the blogger confessional? Because I want to warn people not to do as I did. Abandon all to Christ recklessly -- hold nothing back. He wants all of you -- every dream and hope -- to be surrendered to His will. Do not fondle with closed doors. If God has sovereignly closed a door in your life, do not even play with the doorknob. You may not be able to see what is on the other side of the door at this moment. God shuts it for a reason -- you may not see now -- but He may open it again when the time is right. That is not for us to know right now.

So I admonish all of you -- obey the first time so your fingers aren't broken too.

Announcement...

2006-08-24T17:19:00.000-07:00

I formally bring into existence...

The Sisterhood of the Temporary (or until further notice) Protestant Nuns

...for short, the Temporary Protestant Nuns (TPNs). If you wish to join the Sisterhood, please let me know. Maybe we'll start a blog... hmm... *lightbulb goes on*

Excuse me while I bubble...

2006-08-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

Even though I'm not looking forward to the next semester of college, I am really excited ("thrilled to pieces") about starting the College Life ministry at church. Nothing gets me more excited than ministry and mission trips!

Sign-ups for the Shanghai mission trip have already begun, and you know I want to be on that list! I've been looking forward to going to China for six years now, and what's even more fun is that my friend Jimmy hosts the college teams. (I knew him before he left to serve in Shanghai a few years ago, so it will be neat to see him on the field.) The trip is nearly a month long! Yipee!

Not only that, but summer of 2008 (Lord willing) I will go to two different field schools -- Ghana for my minor and the United Kingdom for my major-- for about three weeks each! So next summer, China for a month, and the summer after that, Ghana and the UK for almost two months!

Sorry, but I'm just giddy with excitement. Traveling to new countries does that to me. I have this personal goal of traveling to each continent before I'm thirty. So far, I've got three out of seven down.

I knew it!!

2006-08-23T12:24:00.000-07:00

Like I said in a previous post, I've been reading Joshua Harris' "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." There's some good stuff in that book. While Gracie naps in the afternoon, I get the chance to read a little, and this is what I ran across today...

"The world tells us that love is beyond our control. This thinking has found its way into our language. We describe the beginning of a passionate love relationship as 'falling in love.' Or people say, 'We're madly in love with each other.' You've more than likely heard people say these things -- perhaps you've even said them yourself.

Why do we feel compelled to compare love to a pit or a mental disorder? What do these statements reveal about our attitudes toward love? I think we make these somewhat overstated analogies because they remove personal responsibility. If a person falls into a pit, what can she do about it? If an animal contracts rabies and runs around foaming at the mouth and biting people, it can't really help its nasty behavior because it has gone mad.

Does it sound a little absurd to discuss love in such terms? I think so. Yet we tend to express our experience of love in these ways. We think of love as something beyond our control and thus excuse ourselves from having to behave responsibly. In extreme cases, people have blamed love for immorality, murder, rape, and many other sins. Okay, so maybe you and I haven't done those things. But perhaps you've lied to parents or friends because of a relationship. Maybe you pushed your partner too far physically. But if love is out of our control, we can't possibly be held responsible. Yes, we know we behaved rashly. Yes, we know we might have hurt others in the process, but we couldn't help it. We were in love." (pp. 63-63, "Looking up 'Love' in God's Dictionary")

When I read this, I thought to myself, Bingo! Someone else agrees with me! Love is not some mushy feeling, but a deliberate action. Mushy feelings are great, but they don't hold -- they're more like icing on a cake. (Coming from a former cake decorator: the icing does not hold the cake together.)

For example: why do you love a certain person?

Some of us might say, "Well, I happen to be related to this person... do I have any choice?" Yes and no. I love my family, but do we always get along? Absolutely not. There are times when I can't stand my family, but I love them just the same. More often than not, I have to make a conscious decision to show my love for them -- even when I don't feel like it.

Why do I love my friends? Is it because they're such wonderfully perfect people? While, yes, I think my friends are wonderful, I love them because Jesus loved them first. Jesus shows His love to my friends through me (when I am willing to be used).

So is love an accident or conscious decision? Most of the time, I think it is a conscious decision, but certainly never an accident. Sometimes God causes us to love people when we don't even understand why. I vouch for The Ping Moment. (A few of you might understand what I'm talking about, but the rest of you... I'm afraid I cannot describe it in words. You shall have to find out about The Ping for yourself someday.)

I once told a friend that I had "fallen" for someone, but after reading just a few chapters in "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," I realized how erroneous this term was. I did not "fall in love." If I could re-word that, I would say, "God decided to strike me for some odd reason, and ever since then I have had to make conscious (and unconscious) decisions to love that person." That is The Ping -- God strikes you and a light bulb suddenly appears above your head. You can't turn it off even if you want to. Lovely, eh?

"I Surrender All"

2006-08-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

Far Above Rubies: "I Surrender All"

Peanut Butter Monster

2006-08-21T11:24:00.000-07:00

Gracie and I went to play at my friend Amanda's house with her three little girls (four and under) this morning. The natives ran amuck while I helped Amanda think of a schedule for when school starts (she's going to homeschool her oldest, Nivelle - yay!).

We then had lunch and I gave Gracie a spoonful of peanut butter (her favorite) to eat along with the rest of her food. Oh horror of horrors. Words cannot describe the utter mess that Gracie can cause with peanut butter, so with the aid of my camera phone, I simply give you a stunning visual reference. Aleeza (18 months) sat next to me and cordially patted my shoulder with her peanut butter hands and generously offered me her ABC celery. I politely declined.

Needless to say, Gracie needed a bath (and there was no way she was going in my car like that). Amanda was nice enough to loan me her tub, so I promptly disrobed my red-headed native and gingerly placed her in the tub before scrubbing her down. After thanking Amanda and saying goodbye to the girls, I put the diapered native in my car and sang her to sleep on the way home. Now she's asleep in bed (praise the Lord). I'm hoping she naps for a long time today -- she didn't nap for me on Friday. That was a long day.

Of Wild Natives and Left Feet

2006-08-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

I arrived early at the Hangar, so I curled up in a recliner upstairs with "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and attempted to read while the natives (half a dozen kids 7 and under) ran amuck. Hope (age 5) crawled into my lap and rummaged through my purse for fun. For some women their purse is sacred territory -- no one may look into it -- but for me... I could care less. Half the time it serves as a diaper bag or source of entertainment for children. Soon, I had about four children either sitting in my lap or standing around waiting for a turn with the iPod. At least I finished reading the introduction.

The party itself was pretty fun... when I finally came downstairs with all the children in tow. (No matter where I go, there is sure to be either kids or animals following me... maybe I should be a zoo-keeper.) I sat with the Glenn sisters during dinner, laughing and munching on my salad (aka bunny food), before leaving early to pick up Julia for swing club.

Jer didn't come with me this time, so I had ample freedom to dance with other guys. When we arrived, I noticed the small amount of male presence -- 11 guys total (out of a couple dozen females). Great, guess I'll be doing the guy's part again.

"You should go ask a guy to dance with you," suggested Jules.

"That's the guy's job to ask. I refuse to be the one to initiate. They're supposed to be the ones to initiate and lead." I then proceeded to jump on my soapbox as Julia and her friend Rochenda stared at me in mute amazement.

Surprisingly, partners were not a problem for me that night because I had six different guys ask me to dance. Unfortunately, only half of them knew what they were doing.

One of my dance partners really creeped me out -- reminded me of Grima Wormtongue from LOTR. He must have been around 30 or so -- short, pale, with a goofy smile and two left feet -- and looked really out of place with the rest of us college students and older couples. I told Jules that he looked like an internet stalker, but she just laughed at me.

"You're really brave to be dancing in thongs," he commented as he led me to the dance floor. My eyebrows shot up a mile. They're called flip-flops, you moron. He then proceeded to "teach" me some "moves" that involved his arms around my waist. I thought about "accidentally" stepping on his two left feet. Needless to say, I avoided him the rest of the night. Very few women volunteered to be his dancing partner, so he would stand on the sidelines and smile at me. I told Jules to look like we're having an important and intense conversation. (We would wave our arms and point at each other, when in reality we were saying "Blah, blah, blah.")

There were some of my dancing partners that I really enjoyed. David -- fellow UNT student, handsome, nice guy, amazing dancer -- and I had met at a chiropractor's office (of all places) several months ago. We recognized each other and chatted for a while before hitting the dance floor. He knew what he was doing (due to ten years experience) and that made all the difference. David was definitely my favorite dancing partner for the night.

The other four guys were okay, I guess, but not interesting enough to write about. They would just come up and say, "Hi, I'm Kyle," or "Hi, I'm Clint... may I have this dance?" with a bashful smile. To which my reply was, "Yeah, sure... I'm Carey."

Jules, Rochenda, and I left around 11 pm. The dancing didn't end until midnight, but I started feeling bummed, so Jules decided a change of scenery would be good for me. We walked around the old UNT neighborhood and then headed toward town square, where the trees were lit around the old courthouse (it's the most fun place to go at night).

Count on Jules for crazy diversions -- we took off our shoes and ran through the sprinklers... in a public place in the middle of the night. It sounds rather insane for a college sophomore to be running through sprinklers in a public place in the middle of the night, but it was very freeing for me. I like doing things that are seemingly out of character for me.

Finally got home a little after midnight (to the relief of Mom and Jer, who called me every hour or so to track my whereabouts). I was gone that day a total of 16.5 hours.

Craaaazy

2006-08-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

This morning was crazier than originally planned. Dad took me to take care of the care instead of Mom (because she stayed up late again). The moment I got to Aimee's house, Gracie and I were out the door. We went to take care of the tire, then Dad drove me to the bookstore to get my textbooks. He carried the books for me while I hauled a talkative toddler on my hip. Got lots of compliments on Gracie's red hair (as always).

We then went back to my folk's house so Jer could put the repaired tire back on my car. Then I planned to drive my car back to the D's house and put Gracie down for a nap. Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand (Prov 19:21). Jer somehow stripped two of the lug-nuts (or whatever you call those things that hold on the tire), so that means more work for Dad and yet another trip into town to get parts.

So Dad brought Gracie and I back to the house and is on his way to get the parts needed to fix my car. Then back home to correctly put on the tire. Mom's going to drive Beep Beep up here later on the way to the Mexico party -- that way I can go to swing club and stay out late (yipee).

So that's my day so far... and it's only 1:04 pm.

[PICTURE: Gracie played piano while Jeremy was trying to put my tire back on.]

Challenging day ahead...

2006-08-18T05:16:00.000-07:00

I've got to leave the house in about 40 minutes. Jer discovered that my tire was flat last night, so he popped on my spare. However, my spare isn't in great condition, so I have to go get a new tire.

Challenge #1: I have Gracie with me today
Challenge #2: Mom will have to come with me to get the tire replaced
Challenge #3: I have $5 in my bank account
Challenge #4: I need to get my new textbooks for the semester -- with Gracie and Mom in tow

After Aimee and/or Joel gets home, I need to get ready to go to a get-together for all the people that went on the Mexico mission trip this summer. After that, I'm going to swing club. Maybe I'll get home between 11 pm and midnight. Thank God I have tomorrow off because I will be wasted.

"He satisfies the longing soul"

2006-08-18T04:32:00.000-07:00

Far Above Rubies: "He satisfies the longing soul"

"Dancing in the Rain"

2006-08-17T17:10:00.000-07:00

Here's that song I mentioned. Still working on the music for it -- maybe I can eventually make a recording.

1) Clouds roll in, dark and fierce,
Bringing pain with the rain.
Everyone flees to escape,
Yet here I remain... here I remain.

(Chorus)
It pours and pounds, drowning all sound –
A deaf’ning roar all around –
But the joy I have will ever find me
Dancing in the rain. (2x)

2) Lord, times will come, like black’ned clouds,
Bringing sorrow with the rain,
But the joy You give will ever find me
Dancing in the rain. (2x)

3) On that cross You bowed Your head
As the clouds rolled in.
The thunder loud drowned out all sound,
Except for one familiar strain...
“Father, to Your hands I commit my spirit.” (spoken)
... That found You dying in the rain.

It poured and pound – drowned out all sound –
A deaf’ning roar all around.
The very earth cried out
To see you dying in the rain.

But the joy I have because You died
Finds me dancing in the rain.

...Find me dancing in the rain.

Carey Nofziger
o9 August 2006

Praise the Lord!

2006-08-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my long work day with two jobs back-to-back. Thankfully, I was allowed to leave early -- around 8 pm -- from my second job because we were over-staffed that night. So I called up Jules and headed to her house. We hadn't talked in a while, so we went to the old town square and got ice-cream at Beth Marie's (an old 50s-style ice cream parlor), then sat on the steps of the old courthouse under the twinkling lights set in the aged trees.

It was such a great blessing to hear how the Lord has been working in her life. One of the most thrilling things for me is to talk with other Christians about the Lord and how He works in our lives. God's work is the most exciting conversation topic for me.

What's even more exciting is that Julia wants to start going with me to Plumbline -- a small ministry from our church for college students who want more in-depth teaching and intense discipleship. And she wants to come with me on a mission trip to Shanghai, China! This is just so exciting for me! I have a passion for recruiting young people on mission trips. I want them to have the same kind of awesome spiritual growth that I had on my first mission trip.

The Lord is so good! I prayed that He would send opportunities my way to get my focus off myself and onto Him -- He was faithful to do so.

Psalm 147 (ESV)

1 Praise the LORD!
For it is good to sing praises to our God;
for it is pleasant, and a song of praise is fitting.
2 The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
He gathers the outcasts of Israel.
3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
4 He determines the number of the stars;
He gives to all of them their names.
5 Great is our Lord, and abundant in power;
His understanding is beyond measure.
6 The LORD lifts up the humble;
He casts the wicked to the ground.
7 Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving;
make melody to our God on the lyre!
8 He covers the heavens with clouds;
He prepares rain for the earth;
He makes grass grow on the hills.
9 He gives to the beasts their food,
and to the young ravens that cry.
10 His delight is not in the strength of the horse,
nor His pleasure in the legs of a man,
11 but the LORD takes pleasure in those who fear Him,
in those who hope in His steadfast love.

A Very Domestic Day

2006-08-16T14:44:00.000-07:00

Taylor started pre-K yesterday, so it's just Gracie and me. It's really strange just having one kid now. I miss Taylor, but I know she's having fun. (She's pictured left in her uniform -- this morning before she left for school.)

Gracie and I went to my mom's house this morning to visit for a little while. My friend Amanda called while were there and wondered if I could watch her three girls for a little while so she could get her hair cut. So I took Gracie back home for a while in hopes that she would take an early nap -- but to no avail.

After lunch, we went to Amanda's house. It was just me and four little girls -- ages four, three, 18 months, and 17 months -- for a couple of hours. The girls played nicely the entire time (praise the Lord). They played with "Floam" (freaky version of play-dough), dressed up and danced to my cellphone ringer, painted fingernails, etc. They're easily entertained.

Once we got back to the D's home, Gracie finally went down for a nap around 2 pm. She's still sleeping actually. I'll wake her up after I wash some dishes and pick up a little.

So that's my very exciting domestic day so far. When Aimee comes home around 5:30 with Taylor, I've got to head to the church to practice with the G sisters and then work childcare until 9:30 pm. I should get home around 10 pm... that would make my work day a total of about 13 hours. Sheesh. Three jobs... one day... many kids. Wow. I wonder why the Lord is drowning me with childcare jobs. I have yet to work a "normal" office job (which probably wouldn't suit me since I'm so active).